


Written in the Stars

by nicolet



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Slow Build, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-22 10:45:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 34,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6076395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicolet/pseuds/nicolet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Kei's and Tadashi's journey together through the years, as they discover what it really means to fall in love with your best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. it wasn't meant to feel like this, not without you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tardistype221b (TardisType221b)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisType221b/gifts).



> **Happy Birthday Tardistype221b!**  
>  You've been an incredible support, and I cherish all of your fic ideas! This is a fic written with so much angst just for you angst-senpai! 
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful betas Madbits and Aysrtx for helping me proofread this fic!

> _“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”_
> 
> **\- E.E. Cummings**

 

* * *

 

_Do you remember your first love? How was it like? Did you fall for them abruptly, so suddenly, as your eyes glanced at each other, electricity sparking between you both?_

_Or was it a slow, gradual build-up of emotions, like raindrops falling into a cup, eventually overflowing, pouring out in a splash?_

_Was it merely a crush, something that lit up your days briefly? Was it a love to last the trial of time?_

_Did you love, but they did not? Was it requited, was it unrequited?_

_What was it like?_

_Did you lose sleep at night as you thought about them? Did you cry, tears soaking up your pillow when you realized that your love was never meant to be? Did you smile, laugh so happily because they loved you back?_

_Did it end in happiness? Did it end in heartbreak?_

_Was your first love, your last?_

_Or was it never meant to be._

_Which was it?_

_Tell me._

 

* * *

 

**_He never left. Not once. He stayed by my side, through thick and thin. He was always there. Even when I pushed him away, he came back to me. I hadn’t loved him then. But I had already realized that he would become someone important to me._ **

 

“Do you still want to play volleyball then?” Yamaguchi asks, and he’s being annoying! Can’t he see that Kei wants to be alone? He wants to snap at Yamaguchi, shout at him, and make the boy leave in tears but he holds himself back. He stops himself when he sees that Yamaguchi’s shaking badly, but he still stands there with determination on his face.

Yamaguchi’s trying to be a good friend, he’s trying to support Kei, and Kei can’t believe that Yamaguchi’s so dumb!

Stupid, what a stupid kid! Kei takes a deep breath and tells himself not to cry in front of Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi thinks Kei is cool, ever since that day when Kei had unintentionally stopped the bullies for Yamaguchi. He didn’t even care but the bullies had gone after Kei instead and Yamaguchi started following him since then.

Kei feels the need to remain cool in front of Yamaguchi.

“No, I’m not going to be like my brother,” Kei says, and his voice is cracking. He quickly turns away. It won’t do to let Yamaguchi think that Kei has a weakness.

Yamaguchi reaches out and touches Kei softly and he abruptly feels like crying. In fact, tears are starting to drip down from the corner of his eyes.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi says softly, and Kei hates that stupid nickname. He pushes Yamaguchi’s hand from his shoulder and he walks, he doesn’t run, because he’s not a dumbass, he walks quickly back home and he leaves Yamaguchi standing in his dust.

He gets a message from Yamaguchi that night, and it doesn’t say anything about Kei crying, or about his brother. It’s simply a short, “Goodnight Tsukki! See you tomorrow!” with a smiley face and Kei doesn’t bother replying. It does make him feel better that Yamaguchi’s going to ignore what happened. He feels relieved, and Kei’s glad that Yamaguchi’s the one that was there with him. Not someone else who’ll continue to bother Kei about it.

In the next few weeks, Kei starts skipping volleyball practice. He has lost his passion for it. Kei wanted to be like his brother, who was so cool! But now looking at volleyballs only reminds him of Akiteru nii-chan’s deception and it makes Kei feel so angry.

Kei tries to leave straight after class but he’s hindered by Yamaguchi. Each time before practice, Yamaguchi will be there, looking at him. He smiles at Kei, but it’s obvious that he’s really sad that Kei isn’t coming for the practices. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes, it’s one of those fake ones that Kei hates.

Yamaguchi keeps looking at him with his wide brown eyes and Kei is so annoyed! Why can’t that boy just leave him alone? The worst part is that Yamaguchi doesn’t ask him to come for practice. He just says goodbye to Kei, and watches him leave. Kei can always feel Yamaguchi’s stare on his back, and it’s unsettling.

Kei finally goes back to the volleyball club one day. It’s not because of anything Yamaguchi does, not at all. He just kept making these sad faces and Kei hates it. He hates that fake smile, he hates Yamaguchi’s wobbling lips as he tries to get the confidence to tell Kei something related to volleyball. He hates how there’s a distance between them.

When Yamaguchi finally smiles at him, a wide sweet smile that goes right up to his eyes, making them sparkle, Kei tells himself that the reason his heart is beating faster is because he has missed volleyball. He doesn’t want to admit that it could be for a different reason.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Yamaguchi says shyly. “Tsukki looks really cool when playing volleyball.”

It makes Kei stand a little straighter, chin tilted upwards with those words. His palms are a little sweatier than usual, and his pulse rate picks up. The sound of the volleyballs smacking on the floor is in tandem with his beating heart.

Yamaguchi’s smiling so brightly that Kei’s blinded by it, and he turns away. He swallows thickly. “Let’s play volleyball Yamaguchi.”

“Yes!” Yamaguchi says happily, and he’s actually jumping up and down in excitement.

Kei looks back to Yamaguchi, grabbing a volleyball for them to practice with, and he smiles. It’s good to be back.

 

* * *

 

**_I loved him from the start. I didn’t know the words to describe it, I only knew how it felt. From the moment we met, I loved him, and I kept that secret buried deep in my heart._ **

 

Tadashi lingers in the corners, watching Tsukki. He’s sad, Tadashi knows he is. Tsukki’s still trying to be strong, trying to pretend it doesn’t affect him at all. Tsukki’s really cool. Tadashi’s afraid Tsukki will hate him if he pushes Tsukki too hard, so he just stays by his side, trying to be unobtrusive.

Tsukki gets this annoyed look on his face, and Tadashi gets scared. Despite that, Tsukki never says anything to him, and the other boy will often sigh, before leaving Tadashi standing there, staring at his back. Tadashi wonders what he has to do to take away Tsukki’s sadness. He knows it has to be a big blow, to realize that his beloved older brother had lied to him.

Tadashi doesn’t get to think of his next course of action, he just.. He just stays, and one day, Tsukki comes back. He comes back and Tadashi’s just so happy, because he hadn’t known what to do but that’s okay because Tsukki understands anyway. He smiles so widely, feeling as if his entire body’s brimming with barely contained joy.

Tsukki just pats Tadashi on the head, as if Tadashi’s way younger. He must look that way, because their height difference is so big! Tadashi wonders if he’ll ever grow as tall as Tsukki.

Tsukki smiles at Tadashi, just a little quirk of his lips, and it makes Tadashi’s insides squirm as if there are little bubbles popping all about his tummy. He wonders if he’s weird. Because whenever he’s with Tsukki his heart beats a little faster, and he feels so nervous, more so than with anyone else.

He pushes it aside when Tsukki tells him to start practicing, but the feeling doesn’t go away. Not that day, or the days after.

“Okaa-san, am I sick?” Tadashi asks one day, because he doesn’t know why he only gets that feeling with Tsukki. His face turns red far too often and he knows it makes his freckles stick out. He doesn’t like it. Sometimes he can’t hear the words that Tsukki says because his heart beats so fast that it makes this drumming noise in his ears, and he has to force himself to take deep calming breaths.

Why is it that he only feels this way whenever he’s with Tsukki?

“Okaa-san,” he says again and his mother is by his side in a second.

“Are you okay Tadashi?” she asks concerned, quickly checking if he has a fever. “You don’t feel warm, and you don’t seem to have a cold. What’s wrong Tadashi?”

“I don’t know okaa-san,” he says, fidgeting under her sharp gaze. She purses her lips, and Tadashi quickly blurts out his thoughts before she could get mad at him. “I get this weird feeling in my tummy, and then my heart beats so fast, like it’s trying to burst out from my chest, and sometimes I get cold and hot, and it’s so weird okaa-san!”

His okaa-san’s eyes widen, and a smile slowly forms on her lips. “Does it feel like nothing’s going to go right if you don’t see that someone, do you wake up with the thought of them in the morning, and fall asleep at night with their face in your mind?” she asks, and Tadashi wonders if okaa-san can read his mind.

“How do you know?” he says wonderingly, eyes so big and brown as he stares at okaa-san with amazement.

Okaa-san pulls him in for a hug, “Oh my darling,” she says, “You have a crush on someone!”

Tadashi pushes her away, “What does that mean?” He is confused.

“It means you like someone Tadashi, and I think I know who it is,” she says, winking at him, and Tadashi feels his face burn with embarrassment.

“But Tsukki’s a boy!” he says. And Tsukki’s so cool and amazing! Tadashi’s pathetic, and Tsukki thinks so too.

Okaa-san’s eyes soften and she places a kiss on his forehead. “It’s okay to like boys Tadashi,” she says, and he frowns. “I thought boys are supposed to like girls.” That’s what they say, and Tadashi didn’t know that it is okay to like boys too.

Okaa-san ruffles his hair and pinches his cheek before she moves away, probably to continue making dinner. “You’re still so young,” she says, “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

Tadashi pouts. He hates it when his parents say that. He wants to understand now!

At the very least, he knows now that he isn’t sick. He just has a crush on Tsukki. He does like Tsukki! Tsukki’s so amazing, and Tsukki lets Tadashi follow him around with minimal fuss. He’s going to be the best friend ever to Tsukki, so that Tsukki will like Tadashi back.

Okaa-san turns back to look at Tadashi and he smiles sweetly at her. Her smile seems strained and Tadashi wonders why. “You’re so brave Tadashi,” she says, and once again Tadashi’s thrown into confusion.

“Why?” he asks.

“It’s going to be difficult,” she says so softly that Tadashi nearly doesn’t catch it. “My brave, strong boy,” she says loudly, and Tadashi wonders if he had misheard okaa-san.

He tilts his head to the side, looking at her questioningly, but okaa-san doesn’t say any more than that.

It probably isn’t something he would understand, she’ll say the same thing as before, that he would when he got older. Tadashi can’t wait to understand, maybe things would be easier then!

“I like Tsukki,” he whispers to himself, and Tadashi feels his face turning warm again. He slaps his cheeks lightly, trying to make the blush go away. He hopes that he’ll be able to get himself under control when he sees Tsukki again. If he gets too nervous Tsukki might call him pathetic again, or worse! He might hate Tadashi!

He learns to keep his feelings tightly bound, buried deep in his heart.

 

* * *

 

**_Like a child, well, I was a child; I wanted him to be mine. My own. It wasn’t as if it was a crush or not. I found him first, he came to me, he’s mine. It was that simple._ **

 

Yamaguchi is still in the same class as he is when they move up grades. They are always in the same classes. Kei doesn’t wish for it, it just happens.

He’s well-liked by their other classmates because of his good-nature, but it’s also the reason why he keeps getting bullied. Kei gets annoyed when others approach Yamaguchi so easily, demanding his homework. It’s the reason he’s sticking so close to Yamaguchi and he’ll hit anyone else who says otherwise.

It becomes well-known then that Kei’s the only one who gets to tell Yamaguchi to shut up. Anyone else who tries to put their hands on Yamaguchi will get a glare from Kei, and he’s still the tallest in their class even though others have gone through growth spurts, Yamaguchi included. He towers over them, and they back off easily. Idiots.

Yamaguchi’s getting taller, and he’s up to Kei’s chest now. Kei wonders if there will be a day when Yamaguchi gets taller than he is. He shakes his head at the thought because there’s no way that would happen. It makes him feel a little weird inside at the thought of looking up at Yamaguchi. He should remain small and.. Cute. Not that guys are supposed to look cute. Yamaguchi just does.

There are days when Kei wishes that Yamaguchi would just leave him alone. Kei’s fine being alone. He doesn’t need friends. He knows he’s mean and cold, no one can put up with him, and Yamaguchi tries so hard. Occasionally Yamaguchi will try to be mean, maybe it’s because of all the poison that drips down Kei’s mouth. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like when Yamaguchi does so because he’s supposed to remain pure, untainted by Kei’s bad nature.

He turns away whenever Yamaguchi does so. He knows it hurts the other boy, but it seems to be the only way Kei will get him to stop. Kei tells Yamaguchi to shut up, to stop talking, and he leaves.

Yamaguchi’s too good a friend to Kei, and Kei should tell him to make friends other than him. He should talk to other people. Kei really should, but he won’t. He’s not kind enough, he’s selfish. Yamaguchi came up to him first, Yamaguchi’s the one who stayed, wanting to be Kei’s friend so desperately. Kei isn’t going to let him go.

He’s the only friend Kei needs.

 

* * *

 

**_He was my world. He was everything._ **

 

Now that he’s older he understands what okaa-san meant when she said that it would be difficult. It is hard, liking Tsukki so much that Tadashi just wants to do anything and everything to please Tsukki. Tsukki may never like him back the same way, and that’s painful.

It hurts so much to think about it, this crush, and Tadashi gets why it’s called a crush now. He still tries. He tries so hard to be worthy of being Tsukki’s friend.

Tsukki loves dinosaurs, so Tadashi reads up all about them just so he can talk to Tsukki about it. He wants to like everything that Tsukki likes. Volleyball is one of them and Tadashi tries so hard to be good at it too but he’s only mediocre at best. He’s still growing though, and maybe he’ll be tall enough one day like Tsukki to play well.

He sticks close to Tsukki, and now everyone approaches him when they need to tell Tsukki something. They’re scared of Tsukki. He tends to close himself off to people, uncaring of what they think of him, and Tsukki just does what he wants. He still gets really good grades and all the teachers like him. Tsukki’s so good at sports too. All their classmates are jealous but Tsukki just smirks at them because they can’t beat Tsukki anyway.

Tadashi’s rather proud that he’s known as Tsukki’s best friend. It makes him beam and he tries even harder so that he gets to stay by Tsukki’s side forever.

So when Tsukki looks at him despairingly, irritation clear on his face, Tadashi tells himself not to cry. “I’m sorry,” he says, and Tsukki just grunts in reply.

Tsukki’s just putting up with him, Tadashi knows that. Whenever he tries to be like Tsukki, he gets this look on his face, like revulsion. Tadashi hates seeing that on Tsukki’s face. Tsukki probably doesn’t like Tadashi copying his way of speaking. It hurts. Tadashi’s too pathetic for it.

“Don’t do that,” Tsukki says sharply and Tadashi nods. He just wanted to try being cool like Tsukki.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, so upset.

Tsukki sighs. “Stop apologizing,” he says then, softly, glancing over at Tadashi. He looks tired, and Tadashi gets even more anxious at the thought of Tsukki finally being fed up of him and leaving him alone, not wanting to be friends anymore.

Another apology is at the tip of his tongue but he restrains himself when he sees Tsukki narrowing his eyes, as if daring Tadashi to say those words.

“Come on,” Tsukki says, even as he walks away. “I want to eat cake.”

“Okay Tsukki,” Tadashi says, right on his heels. Tsukki’s not mad anymore, and Tadashi’s relieved. He tells himself not to screw it up again, or else he’ll really be abandoned.

He wonders how long he’ll be able to stay by Tsukki’s side, and he hopes that it’s forever.

 

* * *

 

**_Why did I not realize it then? That I couldn’t lose him, no matter what._ **

 

“Only a few more months before we graduate,” Yamaguchi says, and Kei’s inwardly cringing. Is he really going to bring it up like this?

“Yeah,” he says shortly, and he’s bracing himself for the question but Yamaguchi just hums and continues talking about other irrelevant things like the homework Keita-sensei has assigned to them for English.

Wasn’t he going to ask which school Kei has chosen? Or did Yamaguchi already guess and is planning to head there anyway? What if he guessed wrong?

Shit. This is annoying. Kei’s beginning to feel irritated because he had thought Yamaguchi would want to stay by his side, even in high school, and this scenario isn’t one that he expected. He had thought to tease Yamaguchi a little, being vague about his high school of choice but Yamaguchi isn’t even asking!

Wasn’t Yamaguchi the one who’s always following Kei around? Is he already tired of Kei? Kei feels as if his emotions are bubbling over, anger, hurt and loneliness threatening to overwhelm him.

Yamaguchi has stopped talking, and he’s looking at Kei with concern in his eyes.

“What’s wrong Tsukki?” he asks, hands twitching as if he wants to place one on Kei’s shoulder, and Kei would let him but Yamaguchi is still as timid as the first time he met the other smaller boy.

“Karasuno,” Kei says aloud, because he wants Yamaguchi to be there too. “I’m going there.”

Yamaguchi looks relieved and Kei’s hurt is smoothed over by that. He must have been so nervous to even ask, stupid.

“Ah, I see,” Yamaguchi says, and he smiles brightly at Kei, the sombre mood dissipating as if it wasn’t there in the first place. Yamaguchi’s eyes are a clear brown under the sunlight, sparkling like caramel sauce on cakes, and Kei suddenly feels choked up, words stuck in his throat.

“Y-yeah,” he says, coughing a little to mask the gruffness of his voice. “You’re going to Karasuno too aren’t you?” he asks then, because Kei needs to be sure. This is important.

“Of course Tsukki!” Yamaguchi says, no hesitation at all, and he smiles. Kei feels a smile of his own threatening to bloom on his face, so he places a hand over his mouth, pretending to cough again.

“Good.” Yamaguchi’s going to stay by his side a little longer, and that’s.. That’s important.

 

* * *

 

**_I just wanted to stay by his side. It didn’t matter if he was never going to like me back, it was enough that we were friends, close ones that would go everywhere together. I just wanted to be with him. That was all I needed._ **

 

He can’t imagine a place without Tsukki, a future that doesn’t have that tall blonde beside him. Despite that, Tadashi doesn’t know how to ask without looking needy, pitiful. Tadashi can’t see himself anywhere else but beside Tsukki, but he doesn’t know if Tsukki feels the same.

He would have gone anywhere Tsukki wanted to go, but to ask Tsukki seemed.. Too scary. What if Tsukki had told him to go to another school? What if he had said that he didn’t want Tadashi to tag along wherever he went anymore? Tadashi wouldn’t know what to do then. Tsukki’s his best friend, his only friend.

In the end, Tadashi hadn’t needed to fear. He shouldn’t have doubted Tsukki because the other boy already knows. Tsukki’s the one that tells him, and Tadashi knows that Tsukki’s the one who understands him best. Even without Tadashi embarrassing himself, the other boy willingly gives up the information that Tadashi so desperately needs.

“Tsukki, do you want to go for ice cream?” Tadashi asks, and it’s a shot in the dark because he knows Tsukki doesn’t really like ice cream.

When Tsukki just sighs and nods, Tadashi tries not to jump or smile too widely. He still smiles and Tsukki looks disgruntled as he walks to the ice cream shop. He knows Tsukki cares by the way he walks directly to Tadashi’s favorite shop, not the one beside it.

It’s the little things that Tsukki does that makes Tadashi fall for him all over again, this crush that will never go away. Tsukki’s his best friend, his first love, his crush. He will follow Tsukki anywhere, even if it hurts that Tsukki will never see him the same way.

He rambles away beside Tsukki when they’re on their way back, even though he has his earphones on, because he doesn’t want the silence to reign. Sometimes it’s a comfortable silence, but Tadashi just doesn’t like it on some days, his nervousness bubbling up, so he’ll just tell stories.

It doesn’t matter if Tsukki doesn’t listen to him, it makes Tadashi feel involved in this one-sided relationship of theirs.

Tsukki could have anyone he wants to be his friend, but he chose Tadashi, and that feels like victory.

Tadashi doesn’t think he could survive in a place where there’s no Tsukki. _Karasuno_. It’s going to be a whole new adventure, and he’s glad Tsukki’s going to be there with him as they embark on a new journey to high school. It’s another few years together, and Tadashi’s going to cherish every moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly hadn't meant to write a fic like this. In fact, I had posted up two simple lines and ended the post with ['This is the Haikyuu fic I'll never write'](http://singasongofstars.tumblr.com/post/138481190090/he-loves-yamaguchis-laughter-it-lifts-him-up). Tardistype221b had liked it so much, and she spurred me to write this fic, and so I did. I wanted to post the entire fic up, but I couldn't finish it in time for your birthday, so I'm sorry for that! 
> 
> I hope this much is enough for now as I continue writing the rest. Instead of a simple 5000 words fic, it is fast approaching 20000 words instead, and I cry everyday. I cry. 
> 
> Please leave me a message! I'm @singasongofstars, and my writing blog is @nicolet-writes on Tumblr.


	2. cause when I look at my life, how the pieces fall into place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first year in Karasuno ends far too soon, and yet, it is not without new revelations being discovered, new feelings uncovered.

**_It was a volleyball practice like every other day, but the difference was this: it was the first time I wanted to kiss him._ **

 

It has been bothersome, trying to keep up with the hot-blooded Kageyama and Hinata. They’re such dumbasses, falling over themselves over a simple club activity. If it weren’t for Yamaguchi’s usual presence calming him down, Kei would have strangled them both already.

“Tsukishima’s so cold,” Hinata says, sticking his tongue out at Kei, and Kei barely resists the urge to stick his tongue back at Hinata. It’s a stupid childish move, but he really wants to right now. Dammit. They’re bringing out the worst qualities in him, and he’s progressively being uncool.

“Tsukki’s really nice,” Yamaguchi says earnestly, glancing over at Kei, and Kei wants to tell him to stop it. He doesn’t need Yamaguchi to back him up.

“Nah,” Hinata replies easily, throwing the volleyball up and down as if he’s juggling it. “Yamaguchi’s the nice one, I don’t know how you can put up with this cold, mean guy!”

“I- I’m not!” Yamaguchi says, “Tsukki’s really cool you know!” Yamaguchi has that little crease between his eyes, and a slight pout to his lips that shows the small amount of distress that he’s in at Hinata’s words.

Kei knows it all too well, Hinata doesn’t even have to say it out loud. He’s cold, he’s mean, and he still has Yamaguchi trailing along beside him all the time, his ego-booster. That’s what they all see.

Tsk. He doesn’t care what they think.

“You’re too good for him Yamaguchi!” Hinata says, and he should really shut up already.

“Oi, if you have time to talk trash, shouldn’t you use it to improve your blocking skills? At this rate you’ll not even be capable of surpassing Lev,” Kei says irritably, taking on a haughty expression just to annoy the smaller boy.

“Hey, I’ll be the ace one day, you’ll see!” Hinata says, sticking out his tongue again before running towards Kageyama, asking the other to toss to him.

Yamaguchi’s biting his lips now, and Kei feels the uncharacteristic urge to sooth that little wrinkle between his eyes with a kiss.

_Where did that thought come from?_

He shakes himself, and Yamaguchi must have assumed that Kei’s mad because he’s suddenly by Kei’s side with this stupidly open and shy look.

“I like staying by your side,” he says smiling, and his eyes close with the action, showing long lashes fanning over his freckled cheeks.

Kei feels something akin to happiness lighting him up inside, and he tries hard not to fidget, but he can’t stop the blush that takes hold of his face.

“Tsukishima’s red!” Tanaka yells from across the hall, and Kei quickly turns away from Yamaguchi. “Tsk, it’s just the heat,” he mumbles out.

“Is it?” leers Noya, and Kei glares at him so intently till Noya smirks and leaves him alone. Yamaguchi’s fidgeting beside him, unnecessarily troubled again by the actions of annoying fools.

“They’re all so noisy,” Kei says, and Yamaguchi laughs.

He loves Yamaguchi’s laughter. It lifts him up, gives him a fuzzy feeling in his chest, and Kei feels victorious every time he manages to make Yamaguchi laugh.

He makes sure that it doesn’t seem as if he’s trying too hard, he doesn’t want to look like a fool. He just tries a little harder at it than other things in his life.

“I’m really glad we got into Karasuno,” Yamaguchi says, still smiling at Kei, and he startles when Daichi shouts at them to start practicing instead of standing around like mannequins on the sidelines.

 _Me too,_ Kei thinks, as he watches Yamaguchi go, _but it’s only because you’re here._

 

* * *

 

**_It was sort of our first fight, the first time I’ve ever shouted at him. He just took it, he listened, and it made me realize that perhaps I mattered to him. It’s silly, but I really thought of it that way then._ **

 

It’s the first time that he’s ever thought of Tsukki as uncool. Even as he tells Tsukki what Tadashi thinks of his actions, his heart is beating so fast, his entire being thrumming with anxiety. When Hinata had asked him what he would have said to Tsukishima, the first thought that had came to his mind was this — _I would tell him that I like him. That I’ve liked him for a long time. That he looks the coolest when he’s playing volleyball seriously, when he shows his love for volleyball so openly._

Those words stick in his throat.

“Tsukki,” he says desperately. He knows Tsukki best, he knows the hurt that Akiteru-niisan inflicted on Tsukki has never gone away, not really. Despite what Tsukki thinks, he was hit hard by the lies, and he has never been over it. It has bled into his plays now, holding him back from fully embracing the fact that he really does love volleyball.

His grip on Tsukki’s shirt loosens, and he stumbles back. It’s terrifying, to say all that when he’s unsure how Tsukki will react. Will he hate Tadashi for interfering like this? And yet, Tadashi couldn’t have let Tsukki go on like that, submerged in his own chaotic thoughts, with no end to it. Tsukki tends to analyze the situation, overthink things, and with this..

He wonders if he has overstepped his boundaries.

He prepares himself to be called pathetic or lame by Tsukki, but Tsukki surprises him instead. He has that small smile on his face, and his eyes are ever so fond, illuminated by the moonlight. “You’re actually cool,” Tsukki says, and Tadashi feels like he could fly.

He’s so stunned that he stands there, unsure if he’s hearing things, or if he’s imagining that look on Tsukki’s face. Tsukki leaves him in a hurry, and Tadashi watches that familiar back gradually fade from his sight. Tadashi wonders if he has helped, even if just a little bit.

It’s the first time he has felt as if he is part of his friendship with Tsukki, that he isn’t just an extra, but someone who can be an equal in this relationship. It’s strange to think this way, but Tadashi’s ever so glad that he’s done something right, tonight at least.

He just hopes Tsukki will find a reason to continue on fighting to be the best in volleyball. Tadashi will be by his side, supporting him, always.

 

* * *

 

**_I am not the best at expressing myself, but I— I try._ **

 

Kei knows better than anyone how hard Yamaguchi works for that serve, he’s been there watching, even if Yamaguchi thinks he isn’t. He’s the one leaving the bandages by Yamaguchi’s bag, the small candies that he likes.

Yamaguchi’s working hard, and Kei thinks that’s good and all, but the other boy’s not taking good care of himself.

“Yamaguchi,” Kei says one day, “You should sleep more.” He has rings under his eyes, and Tsukki noticed that the other boy had dozed off several times in class today.

Yamaguchi just shrugs, and Kei’s starting to get annoyed. He still doesn’t get what they’re all going on about, how they can place so much importance in the game, just because of pride, because of the joy they feel upon scoring. Tsk, volleyball idiots.

“Here,” he says, tossing a few books to Yamaguchi.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi says questioningly, frowning as he tries to understand. He holds up Kei’s books and his eyes widen as he realizes what they are.

“Notes for today,” Kei replies, “Since you fell asleep in those classes.”

It’s like a magical transformation, Yamaguchi’s smile is so bright that it’s dazzling, and his whole face lights up with it. He doesn’t look quite as tired as he did just moments before. “Thank you Tsukki!” he says, and Yamaguchi’s about to hug him, and Kei stiffens, not quite sure what to do.

Yamaguchi notices, and he stops short of the action, balancing himself on his heels. “Sorry Tsukki,” he says then, “I know you don’t really liked to be touched.”

 _That’s not it,_ Kei wants to say, _I was just.. I was just surprised_. The words won’t come, and his lips thin. “It’s alright,” he says instead, and the smile returns to Yamaguchi’s face, albeit a little smaller than before.

“Don’t overwork yourself,” he says sharply, and Yamaguchi salutes him with a cheeky grin on his face. “Yes Tsukki!” At least the other boy’s more lively now. Kei didn’t like seeing him so down.

He hoists up his bag a little higher on his shoulder and leaves. Kei’s got his own practice with his brother’s teammates to go to. Damn hot blooded volleyball players, he’s going to show them all up. Yamaguchi said it after all, Kei’s got the height, the instinct, the plays. He’s not about to be any less cool in Yamaguchi’s eyes.

 

* * *

 

**_He’s beautiful in every way, and I can’t help myself from falling in love with every little thing that he does. It hurt.. it hurt so much then._ **

 

Sometimes when Tsukki’s really into playing volleyball, or when he finds a song that he really likes, he gets this bright smile on his face. It makes Tadashi feel so warm and special because he’s the only one who has ever seen that smile on Tsukki’s face.

Tsukki sings under his breath as well, occasionally humming to the tune of the song he’s obsessed with for the day. Tadashi’s the only one close enough to hear him, and he often keeps quiet, fearing that even the sound of his breath would make Tsukki stop singing.

Tsukki has a beautiful voice, and Tadashi would often wish that they could go to karaoke together just to hear that voice echo around a closed room. Where there’s only the two of them. He thinks about it so much that Tadashi accidentally blurts out his idea to have the third year’s graduation party at a karaoke place. They’re all sitting in the gym, one last practice before they stop for the year. The second years have been shouting, crying out for a party, and the first year’s noisy duo has been fighting with Tsukki over something he’s said.

It’s good that everyone else is so noisy because no one seems to have heard Tadashi speak up. Tsukki’s too involved with riling up Hinata and Kageyama to notice as well, and Tadashi’s relieved. He wants to be the only one to hear Tsukki sing, and it’s selfish of him, but if they’re able to have Tsukki smile more openly during volleyball practice, Tadashi wants all these little things to be his.

He turns abruptly when Noya-senpai taps him on the shoulder. “That’s a really good idea Yamaguchi!” he says. Shit, Noya-senpai heard him despite how softly he had spoken. “Karaoke eh, maybe we really should have a session together!”

Tadashi shakes his head vehemently. “No!” he whispers urgently, trying to stop Noya-senpai from blurting it out to the rest. He pulls on Noya-senpai’s shirt sleeve. “Please don’t tell them,” he says quietly, feeling himself flush.

“Why not?” Noya-senpai asks, and Tadashi really doesn’t want to tell him the truth. He goes with a version of the truth that isn’t quite a lie. “Tsukki doesn’t like karaoke,” he says instead, and it could be true. He has never asked Tsukki if he likes it, but Tsukki definitely won’t want to sing in front of a crowd, he thinks.

“Hmph, it’s always about Tsukki,” Noya-senpai says crossly, “Don’t you like karaoke? Isn’t that why you suggested it?”

Tadashi shakes his head again, trying very hard not to blurt out everything. Noya-senpai has very sharp eyes, and they drill into Tadashi as if seeking what’s hidden deep in his heart.

“Okay,” Noya-senpai says, and he heaves a sigh of relief. Noya-senpai looks at him sharply, and he grins. “You like him don’t you,” he says slyly, eyes darting over to where Tsukki’s sitting.

Tadashi’s almost afraid to look, but his eyes automatically seek Tsukki, and the other boy’s glaring at them both. Tadashi whips his head around, focusing on Noya-senpai as his heart rate speeds up and his palms turn cold and sweaty.

“I— No— I mean..” Tadashi stutters out, and he should lie, but he’s shaking so badly from how nervous he is, and his head is spinning. The words are lodged up in his throat, and Tadashi can’t breathe. He can feel tears at the corner of his eyes, and he hopes that Tsukki isn’t looking over at him, because he can’t handle this.

His okaa-san had said that it was okay to like boys, but Tadashi knows that it isn’t as easy as that. It still isn’t commonly accepted in Japan for this sort of relationship, and Tadashi doesn’t even know if Tsukki is partial to the idea. What if Tsukki finds it disgusting that Tadashi likes him _that way?_ Tsukki may never talk to him again, and the thought of it, the thought of Tsukki sneering at him, calling him pathetic, disgusting—

It’s making him feel weak, anxious, and it feels like his lunch is making its way up, threatening to spill all over.

“Hey,” Noya-senpai says then, so softly, placing a hand over Tadashi’s sweaty ones. The warmth of Noya-senpai’s hand seeps into his, and Noya-senpai gently rubs circles over Tadashi’s hand.

“It’s okay,” his senior says, and Tadashi struggles to keep his anxiety at bay. “It’s fine, I won’t tell anyone.” He eyes dart over to Asahi-senpai before returning to catch Tadashi’s gaze, and Tadashi understands immediately.

“Oh,” he says, and it feels as if he’s been drenched with cold water, the way his body instantly freezes, all his insides tightening up. _“Oh,”_ he says again, feelingly.

“Yeah,” Noya-senpai says dryly, and he places a hand on Tadashi’s shoulder this time, hitting him hard till Tadashi lets out a pained groan. “We’ll keep it a secret between the two of us,” Noya-senpai leans in close to whisper, “I won’t tell him anything.” He pulls back and winks at Tadashi before continuing, “He’s glaring really hard at us right now. I really don’t know what you see in him.”

Tadashi is still shivering a little, but he manages a shaky smile. “He’s cool,” he says, and Noya-senpai huffs. “Not really.”

Noya-senpai leaves him be after that, shouting plans at Tanaka-senpai, and Tadashi is so relieved. He’s still trying to control the shakes when he feels someone nudging him at his side.

“What’s wrong?” Tsukki asks, and he sounds irritable and concerned at the same time, it’s something that Tsukki seems to have perfected, a tone that he constantly uses around Tadashi. “Why are you so pale?” Tsukki places a hand over Tadashi’s forehead.

“You should go back if you’re sick,” he says, and Tadashi feels like crying again. Tsukki has always been so kind.

“I’m fine,” he says, trying to smile.

Tsukki makes a noise that’s a cross between a snort and a groan. “Don’t try to pretend to be alright,” he says harshly, but his touch is gentle as he ruffles Tadashi’s hair, his fingers catching onto tangles and smoothing them away.

“Okay,” Tadashi says, and the smile that comes on his face is a little more genuine. “I’m fine Tsukki, really.”

Tsukki doesn’t seem to believe him, but he lets it go. He moves away, and the absence of his hand stroking Tadashi’s hair makes him feel hollow inside.

Noya-senpai’s watching him, and Tadashi chokes up on how Noya-senpai seems to see through him completely. His senior turns away too, leaving Tadashi alone with his emotions and his fears.


	3. it just wouldn’t rhyme without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In their second year in Karasuno, things become more complicated, and they've begun to realize how deeply they've fallen in love for each other.

**_I think I was always in love with him, I just didn’t realize it till then. It was a sudden revelation, a realization that hit me hard that I hurt him instead in my confusion. I regret it to this day._ **

 

In their second year at Karasuno, they’re in the same class again and Kei finds himself sitting beside Yamaguchi this time.

“Lucky!” Yamaguchi says as he beams at Kei. Kei feels his heart give a leap at that smile, and he turns away quickly before Yamaguchi can see the blush on his face. He’s been acting strange around Yamaguchi, and Kei isn’t sure why. If he wasn’t already aware that they’re both guys, he would have said that he liked Yamaguchi.

Kei’s unsure when it starts, this turmoil of feelings that has taken hold of him whenever he’s around the other boy. His heart races, the pounding of it almost deafening, and he can’t catch his breath when the cold sweats take over. He hadn’t felt so intensely before, and Kei wondered how and why it started.

If he thinks hard enough, Kei might have been able to pinpoint a time and place. It could be the moment Yamaguchi turned to him, pulling him out from his despair from the very start. It could also be the time Yamaguchi shouted at him during the Tokyo practice sessions. Kei shakes the thought away before he overanalyzes his every moment with Yamaguchi because it’s ridiculous. They’ve been friends for a long time and he shouldn’t be feeling this way.

Yamaguchi’s looking at him oddly. “You okay Tsukki?” he says, and Kei’s quick to say yes. Yamaguchi looks worried then, and Kei feels exposed. He pushes up his glasses on his face agitatedly, narrowing his eyes, and somehow that makes Yamaguchi look even more concerned for him. He doesn’t ask, despite looking as if he really wants to, and Kei’s reminded of the fact that Yamaguchi has always known when to back off and leave Kei alone.

His hand does brush the other boy’s arm as they move towards their tables together, and it’s as if there’s a spark of electricity shooting up his hand all the way to his heart.

Kei jerks back, missing the look of hurt on Yamaguchi’s face. He adamantly keeps his eyes away from Yamaguchi, not wanting the other boy to see how flustered and uncool he is today.

He feels odd the whole day, as if he’s at the cusp of realizing something really important about himself. It isn’t as if he likes Yamaguchi. He shouldn’t be liking Yamaguchi like that. It’s not normal. Some parts of the world may find it acceptable, but Kei knows that the prejudice for homosexuals in their small town is still pretty strong.

Kei shakes off the thought that he’s gay, because he isn’t. Is he?

The answer to that question is quickly answered the very next day. He wakes up to a dream that involves Yamaguchi smiling so sweetly at him, lips twisting to a pout as he attempts to feed a grouchy dream Kei strawberries with cream. As if the dream wasn’t already weird enough, Yamaguchi’s only wearing an apron in the dream, revealing long lines of muscle, courtesy of all the extra work he’s been putting in for volleyball. The apron says, “Tsukki’s #1 Fan” and dream Kei has a nosebleed.

Kei jerks awake, confused, with a hard-on. This isn’t normal. Not at all. He refuses to touch his dick, choosing to run to the bathroom to take a cold shower instead. His thoughts are even more chaotic today, and Kei feels angry at himself for feeling this way towards his best friend.

Yamaguchi has been nothing but accommodating to their relationship, choosing to be with Kei and dealing with his terrible behavior. Kei’s only tainting their friendship by thinking this way, and he hates himself for having this _wrong_ feeling for Yamaguchi.

He tries to be extra cold to Yamaguchi that day. But Yamaguchi just goes along with him, walking at a distance, giving Kei his space. He gets so annoyed that he misses half the spikes during practice, blocking only half of what he could have.

Ennoshita-san tells him to cool it off. He’s their new captain, and it’s strange not having Daichi-san there with that dark aura behind him. The strangeness of having new first years is not lost on Kei as well, and they give him a wide berth, clearly knowing that he’s not one to be trifled with.

He gets even more annoyed when he sees them clustered around Yamaguchi, asking for help with their serves and receives. Yamaguchi is being far too nice to them, and Kei shakes himself when he realizes that he’s being overly possessive over someone that’s only supposed to be his friend.

Practice doesn’t go well that day, nor for a whole week after that. It’s so bad that Ennoshita-senpai has to sit him down to talk to him personally.

“What’s wrong Tsukishima?” Ennoshita-san says patiently, and he’s like a mix of Suga-san and Daichi-san, the way he’s acting, unused to the role of captain just as yet.

“It’s nothing,” he says sullenly, obviously not about to pour his heart out unlike some idiots that he can name on the spot.

Ennoshita-san sighs, “Youth’s the time for realization,” he starts, his voice a little too high pitched, and the atmosphere around them rapidly turns awkward. “I understand that as teenagers we go through a lot of changes. All these hormones affecting our decision-making and sometimes we find ourselves enraptured by someone—”

“Stop,” Kei says quickly, because he’s not about to go through some mangled version of the birds and bees talk with his captain.

Ennoshita-san is blushing now, the red from his face reaching down to his neck, and Kei’s sure that he looks the same way.

“Right, so anyway, the main thing is this: get your shit together Tsukishima,” Ennoshita-san says, enunciating each word carefully. “Just— Don’t daydream during your practices! Stop staring at that person’s ass!”

Kei was sure that things weren’t going to get anymore awkward, but they did. “Yes,” he says shortly, already getting up.

“If you confess, I’m sure he’ll say yes,” Ennoshita-san says softly, and Kei pretends that he hasn’t heard what his captain said. Is it that obvious? That he likes Yamaguchi? Fuck. Kei has got to do something about that.

If Yamaguchi knew that Kei has feelings for him.. Would Yamaguchi leave Kei? Yamaguchi could easily befriend anyone, he’s well-liked, so much that even the first years love hanging around him.

“What did Ennoshita-san say?” Yamaguchi asks, and he’s been waiting for Kei even though Kei hadn’t told him to.

“Nothing,” he says, a little sharper than he intended and Yamaguchi looks taken aback. The other boy bites his lips, and he looks hurt. Kei immediately regrets it. “Sorry,” he says brusquely.

“Sorry,” he says again, a little nicer, because Yamaguchi still looks as if Kei has just punched him in the stomach. “He just told me to do better in my practices,” Kei lies smoothly.

“You’ll do fine,” Yamaguchi says as a show of support, and Kei nods just to ease away that look on Yamaguchi’s face. _I will be,_ he thinks, _when I get over these weird feelings for you._

He puts on his earphones as they walk back, turning them on loudly to tune out his own thoughts.

Yamaguchi walks beside him, and he’s quiet as well. His lips aren’t moving, and Yamaguchi looks lost in his own thoughts. He seems troubled and Kei wonders what it is that’s on the other boy’s mind.

Is it the same as the thoughts that plagued Kei? Impossible. There’s no way that could happen. Kei would know if Yamaguchi likes him. He’s not that oblivious.

Yamaguchi turns to look at him when he notices Kei staring and Kei sees his mouth move to form words. His eyes are caught on the sight, on Yamaguchi’s lips that appear thin and yet a brilliant red. He wonders what it would be like to bite on them.

“Tsukki?”

Kei realizes then that his music has stopped, and Yamaguchi’s voice brings him back to reality.

“Are you alright Tsukki?” he asks, “You looked really strange just now.”

“Hn,” he grumbles out, walking a little faster to his home. He needs to be alone with his thoughts, he needs to think of ways to not allow this emotion to take hold of him, making him do foolish things. He needs to stop acting like a fool, and being around Yamaguchi right now isn’t helping.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Yamaguchi calls out as Kei enters his home.

He slams the door hard and slides down, sitting in the hallway, feeling cold to his bones.

How is he supposed to face Yamaguchi every day from now on?

 

* * *

 

**_I stayed awake at night, crying over him, crying over what was not meant to be. The tears that soaked my pillow would have been enough to fill a well. That’s how much I cried over him._ **

 

Tsukki has been acting strange, and with each gentle touch, he pushes Tadashi away even more. Each time he places a hand on Tsukki’s shoulder, the other boy shrugs it off. Every time he places a hand on Tsukki’s back, Tsukki jerks away, refusing to look at Tadashi. There are times when Tsukki would purposely avoid talking to Tadashi, not looking his way despite them both being in the same class. Their walks back have been strained, rife with tension and Tadashi gets even more upset with each passing day.

Tadashi wonders if Tsukki knows the truth about him. It seems evident by the way that Tsukki tries to avoid Tadashi now. It hurts so much.

Tadashi cries at night when he thinks of how much he loves Tsukki. How much he wants to hold his hand, kiss him on the lips and go out with him everywhere. It is devastating and painful, because he knows it can never be.

He tries not to let it affect his relationship with Tsukki, because even if Tadashi could never be with Tsukki that way, he would always be Tsukki’s friend. Their friendship is something that he will cherish, something that he will continue fighting for. He won’t let this ruin what he has with Tsukki.

Tadashi buries his emotions deep within, pretending that all is well between the both of them, and he tries even harder to be a ‘friend’, someone who doesn’t have any inappropriate feelings for Tsukki. The suspicion Tsukki must have had of Tadashi being gay probably went away, because as Tadashi pretends to smile and laugh each day, despite the misery he feels inside, Tsukki eventually starts interacting with Tadashi normally again.

Tsukki doesn’t flinch when Tadashi touches him anymore, and Tadashi resolves never to make Tsukki feel so disgusted with his presence anymore.

He works even harder on hiding his true desire. Tsukki must never know. It would kill Tadashi if he ever does.

 

* * *

 

**_I stole a kiss from him. Our very first kiss._ **

 

“Oh, Tadashi’s here again!” Kei’s okaa-san says, and Kei quickly makes a shushing motion.

She’s giving him knowing looks.

It seems as though his attempts to be completely cool and unaffected by Yamaguchi have failed completely, and his entire family knows.

He’s thankful that Akiteru nii-san has not caught on yet. The teasing that he would receive would definitely annoy him so much.

“He’s here to study,” Kei says, and okaa-san just laughs. “I’ll bring up some cakes later.”

“Thank you oba-san!” Yamaguchi says politely, bowing, and okaa-san laughs. “You’re such a good boy Tadashi-kun!”

Yamaguchi blushes, his freckles even more prominent. It’s difficult to be unaffected by him when Yamaguchi is so adorable! Everything he does keeps making Kei smile, and he has to force himself to clamp down on all those bubbling emotions.

“Come on,” he says shortly, tugging on Yamaguchi to follow him quick. He knows without looking that okaa-san is laughing at his back. Yamaguchi just looks confused, but he still moves to walk beside Kei comfortably.

It’s been a while since they’ve met up to study together like this. Kei generally doesn’t like to be around others while he’s concentrating on his task, but these days he needs to have Yamaguchi by his side more often than usual. He feels distraught when the other boy isn’t around. It’s as if there’s a hole created in him that can only be filled by Yamaguchi’s presence. He’s making himself vulnerable, by allowing this to happen.

It isn’t as if he wants it to happen this way. Kei tried avoidance, he tried pushing Yamaguchi away at first. Yamaguchi’s eyes that were filled with so much misery, his trembling lips, and pale face as he stared at Kei, trying to understand—

It had hurt Kei just as much as Yamaguchi. The emptiness that had followed him, where Yamaguchi would have, was confining, despairing, and Kei had spent sleepless nights just thinking about how miserable it was to be alone like this. Kei couldn’t take the anguish any longer, and he tried integrating himself into their friendship as if nothing had ever happened.

Yamaguchi was happier then, brighter than before, and with every smile and every touch, Kei knew that he would take the anguish of unrequited love over the despair of being alone without Yamaguchi.

Even today, as Yamaguchi sits opposite him, scribbling intently, occasionally biting at the tip of his pen when he contemplates the formulas to use for the math problem, Kei finds himself trying to stare at Yamaguchi without being too obvious about it.

Yamaguchi catches him doing it sometimes, and the other boy would cock his head to the side, a small smile on his face as he looks at Kei questioningly. Kei would only go back to his books, trying to rack his head to remember where he had left off.

Each time Yamaguchi’s hand brushes his as they reach for the fruit okaa-san has brought up for them, Kei’s skin tingles, the warmth of Yamaguchi’s hand melting his cold heart.

“Tsukki, I’m really sleepy,” Yamaguchi says, and he has been rubbing his eyes often for the past hour. Kei looks up at the clock and it’s only 6pm.

“Okaa-san wants you to stay for dinner,” he says. Kei’s the one that had asked his okaa-san to prepare an extra portion for Yamaguchi, just to prolong the time they could spend together, but Yamaguchi doesn’t need to know that. “Why don’t you take a nap and I’ll call you up when dinner’s ready.”

“Okay Tsukki!” Yamaguchi says easily, so trusting.

Tsukki watches as Yamaguchi climbs into his bed, and he tells himself not to get an inappropriate reaction to watching Yamaguchi lying there. _In his bed!_

Yamaguchi falls asleep almost instantly, the soft snoring sounds permeating the room.

He forces himself to finish his homework a little while longer before Kei allows himself to move closer to Yamaguchi.

Kei sees Yamaguchi lying there, innocently, carelessly. He shouldn’t do this, but he’s inching so close, close enough to see Yamaguchi’s long lashes fanning out against slightly tanned skin.

There is that low pool of heat that’s settling down in him, sizzling just beneath his skin. Every breath he takes is slow and controlled, so that he doesn’t wake Yamaguchi. Each exhale feels like it’s pulling his gut, twisting it all around with the chaotic emotions taking hold of him.

Kei can’t resist any longer, and his lips press to Yamaguchi’s soft ones. There’s the little hint of breath as Yamaguchi breathes, and before he pulls away, Yamaguchi’s eyes open.

He jerks back, panicking, and Kei’s shaking now.

“I’m s-sorry,” he starts, and how the hell is he going to explain this when suddenly Yamaguchi smiles so brightly, his eyes soft. His hand reaches out to Kei, placed behind his head, and Yamaguchi pulls him down for another soft sweet kiss. He opens his mouth, slotting them easily with Kei, and Kei’s freezes, unsure of what to do. Yamaguchi smells like a field of flowers, lavender, and Kei breathes in deep, just as Yamaguchi moves his head away, the kiss ending.

“Hi,” Yamaguchi says softly, and Kei’s wondering what the hell has just happened when Yamaguchi closes his eyes and snores.

He’s still asleep!

Kei falls back, lying on the floor, staring up at his ceiling that has all the glow-in-the-dark stars and constellations that Yamaguchi had helped him place up, many years back. His face is hot and red, his heart beating a mile a minute, as if he has just gone through a full set with Oikawa-san and the Aobajousai team.

“Fuck,” he says aloud, in the quiet of the room. Yamaguchi is still smiling in his sleep when Kei checks. He wonders what Yamaguchi was dreaming about that he would do such a thing. He wonders briefly if Yamaguchi had dreamt of Kei.

Hah, Kei only wished that were true.

He rolls around, clutching his face as he remembers—

Yamaguchi’s soft lips pressing onto his more chapped ones, the tip of his tongue licking into Kei—

_“Fuck.”_

 

* * *

 

**_We were danced around each other, not even daring to call one another by our given names._ **

 

“Tadashi-kun! Please teach me how to do this question!” One of the girls in their class say, and Tadashi feels flustered. It seemed that since he has become part of the regulars, he’s becoming more popular. He could never be as popular as Tsukki though, and there are still plenty of girls who come up to Tadashi just to ask him to pass their love letters to Tsukki.

Whenever that happens, Tadashi would be upset for days, wondering if this girl would be the one Tsukki leaves him for. He always passes the letters to Tsukki, because he doesn’t know how to say no to the girls.

Tadashi would tell himself not to cry, as he watches Tsukki reads each and every one of them. Tsukki had told him once that he hated the letters, but he wasn’t so mean as to throw them away without reading them first. It doesn’t quell the anxiety Tadashi faces when Tsukki reads them.

 _What if_ , he thinks, what if Tsukki really likes this one? What if Tsukki likes them so much that he doesn’t want to hang out with Tadashi anymore?

The relief that Tadashi feels when Tsukki throws the letters away, when Tsukki turns all of them down, only makes him feel terrible later. One day Tsukki will leave him for a girl, a normal life, one without Tadashi. At the moment, Tadashi pushes away thoughts of that _one day_ that will inevitably come.

“Tadashi-kun!” the girl says, pulling him away from his thoughts.

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukki says irritably, appearing by his side then, and Tadashi jumps at the close contact. Tsukki grabs hold of his elbow, tugging him awkwardly. “Practice,” he says shortly, glaring at the girl. The girl only looks as if she’s about to swoon, and Tadashi knows that she’ll join the Tsukki fanclub soon enough.

“Does everyone call you that now?” Tsukki asks when they’re walking towards the gym. Tadashi has to think for a moment before he realizes what Tsukki means.

“You can call me Tadashi too, Tsukki,” he says, when Tsukki looks annoyed at others calling him that. He vibrates in place, suddenly wanting Tsukki to call him by that name.

The tip of Tsukki’s ears turn red, the only sign that Tsukki’s embarrassed, and Tadashi abruptly feels very abashed too.

“It— It’s okay Tsukki! Hah, ah, I— It’s weird isn’t it?” Tadashi says hurriedly, hands flailing about.

“Tsk,” Tsukki makes that noise again but his ears are still red at the tips. “You’re too loud Yamaguchi,” he says.

“Sorry Tsukki,” Tadashi smiles.

They’ve arrived at the gym, and Tadashi can hear Hinata and Kageyama screaming at each other again. Even with the new first-years, the duo are still the noisiest of them all. “They’re at it again,” he says, trying to distract Tsukki. Tsukki does love to tease the duo, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

“Tadashi,” Tsukki says then, so quietly that he nearly doesn’t catch it.

His name rolling off Tsukki’s tongue makes him blush, his face so hot as if he caught on fire. Tsukki’s red too, and he hurriedly enters the gym, leaving Tadashi behind.

There’s no turning back from this. Tadashi only finds himself falling harder for Tsukki, for Kei.

“Kei,” Tadashi says to himself. _“Kei.”_

 

* * *

 

**_There were so many misunderstandings. Things that could have been resolved if we had just talked to each other. We really were foolish teenagers._ **

 

It’s the season for love, and Kei is about to hurl.

It seemed as though Asahi-san and Noya-san had gotten together and were in a long distance relationship now. He doesn’t even want to think about how that relationship would go.

The biggest not-surprise would definitely be the idiot King and his stupid hyperactive Queen getting together. Hinata and Kageyama had finally gotten out of that haze of idiocy they constantly surround themselves with, and realized that they liked each other.

It was a few days of torture, watching the both of them pine for each other while making googly eyes at one another. Practice had been terrible, till Ennoshita-san had sat down with his head in his hands, mumbling, “Idiot teenagers. Don’t even know why I’m going through this. Daichi-san, Suga-san, you’ve left me with a mess. A romantic mess. All this idiots. Just confess already, god. What the hell? Why do I have to see this? My eyeballs hurt, my heart hurts. They’re all dumb.”

Kei, himself, had been tempted to throw them both into the closet, locking them both up till they confessed. Thankfully he didn’t need to do so, because one fine day it seemed that everything had been resolved, and the duo had arrived at the gym holding hands, both red in the face like tomatoes.

Nothing much has changed since then, with the exception of this.

“They’re such idiots,” Kei says, when Kageyama and Hinata forgets that they’re in the middle of practice, and Hinata places a small kiss on Kageyama’s cheek. “Gross,” he mutters because such public displays of affection makes him sick. Couldn’t they do that where no one can see them?

Tadashi looks at them and laughs a little. “I think it’s sweet,” he says, and Kei feels a flare of hope. Could it be that Tadashi may not be too opposed to the idea himself? To have a _boyfriend?_

“It’s gross,” he repeats himself, trying to distract himself from the thought of Tadashi doing the same to him, a soft kiss at the side of his face. Kei’s starting to flush at the memory of the kiss he stole from Tadashi.

“Oh,” Tadashi says shortly, and there’s a flash of something that passes his face.

“Isn’t it?” he asks then, because does Tadashi hate it instead? Kei wants to know. He needs to. It is a desperation that’s clawing at him, and it pierces his heart when Tadashi looks straight at him and says, “Yes, it is really gross.”

Ennoshita-san shouts at them to continue practice and to stop slacking off, and Kei’s abruptly thankful for the distraction because the anguish that he feels at Tadashi’s words is tearing him apart.

Tadashi’s still looking over at Hinata and Kageyama laughing at an inside joke when Kei turns to look at him. There’s a look on his face, something very much like sorrow and anger.

Why is it that the one he loves is the one that will never like him back?

 

* * *

 

**_I would rather stay by his side as friends than to ruin it with telling him this: I like you— I love you— And I want to live the rest of my life with you. I rather face the despair of unrequited love, than to face the misery of losing you completely._ **

 

Tadashi wonders if his pretense has slipped again. Kei’s reaction had deeply hurt him, and Tadashi had tried to solidify the fact, that no, he isn’t like that. Despite that, Tadashi notices that whenever they’re changing together for practice, Kei always looks away quickly when Tadashi catches his eye. Is it something about Tadashi that the other boy is wary about? That he thinks Tadashi might suddenly touch him inappropriately when they’re both half-naked?

Does Kei think of Tadashi as gross too?

It’s painful, each and every day, this niggling hurt, eating away at his heart that never truly goes away.

“Us third years are about to graduate soon,” Noya-senpai says one day, nonchalantly to Tadashi while they’re sitting after practice together. “I’ve told Ennoshita that you could be captain Yamaguchi.”

“Wha-what?” Tadashi stutters. “I— I’m not good enough to be captain!”

“That’s not true!” Noya-senpai laughs, and he hits Tadashi on the back hard. “Just like Ennoshita, you understand people. Hinata and Kageyama will be too caught up in the game at times. Tsukishima is.. Well, he’s good, definitely. But— You’re better, Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi doesn’t know what to say. “Tsukki’s a better fit than I am for captain,” he insists. “He’s good at everything and I— I’m not!”

“Don’t put yourself down like that! Us third years agree that you’re the best choice. Also seriously, Yamaguchi, just tell Tsukki that you like him already!” Noya-senpai says the last part in a whisper, and Tadashi’s grateful for that.

“I can’t!” he says, shaking his head. “It’s impossible.”

“Why not?” Noya-senpai asks, crossing his arms and frowning at Tadashi. “Asahi-san and I actually got together and I didn’t think that was possible too! Look at Hinata and Kageyama, they’ve realized that what they had for each other wasn’t just feelings between friends, and they’re happy little shits now too.”

“It’s not the same,” Tadashi says, fidgeting under Noya-senpai’s gaze. He presses his palms together, rubbing them. His sweat is dripping down onto the floor, and the anxiety within him flows and ebbs with each passing moment.

“How is it not the same? You like Tsukishima, and I’m pretty sure he likes you back too.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Tadashi says, almost immediately. He looks at Noya-senpai, and Tadashi tells him in a soft but firm voice. “I know because Tsukki and I have been friends for so long.”

Noya-senpai just looks dubious, as if he knows something Tadashi doesn’t. He’s about to speak again when Tadashi interrupts.

He speaks in a rush, letting the words force their way out before they get caught again, spilling his deepest secrets to Noya-senpai. “I can’t do this. I can’t take the thought of confessing to Tsukki, and having him glare at me. He’ll call me pathetic, he’ll have that sneer on his face, and hatred in his eyes. He won’t let me touch him anymore, even if it’s just to pat him on the shoulder. He’ll push me away, and the thought of it—”

Tadashi pauses, and he watches his shaking hands, before clenching them into fists by his side.

“It terrifies me,” he says. “We won’t be able to walk home together anymore because it would be awkward. We can’t even talk as we always do because Tsukki will always think about the time I confessed to him. Everything would change.”

“That’s only one possibility,” Noya-senpai insists, “You’re thinking about this so pessimistically! You should charge on! Confess! And it may be even better than anything you could’ve dreamt off! You’re being a coward Yamaguchi!” Noya-senpai is close to shouting now, and Tadashi shushes him before he becomes any louder.

“I’m content the way it is right now. I’m happy that I’m able to be by his side. That’s all that matters to me,” Tadashi says, and it’s true. The joy of being able to spend each day with Kei is the only thing that keeps him going despite the ache that he feels inside.

His friendship with Kei.. It’s great the way it is right now, and Tadashi doesn’t want to ruin it.

“And when Tsukishima finally gets a girlfriend? What happens then?” Noya-senpai’s mad now, and Tadashi doesn’t understand why he doesn’t just get it. This relationship that he has with Kei is too important to Tadashi. He won’t let these feelings take hold of him and break the one good thing he has.

“I’ll support him,” Tadashi says, smiling sadly. Noya-senpai’s question hurts less than he thought it would. It may be due to the fact that he has thought about it before. He knows the possibility of it is very high, considering the fact that plenty of girls confess to Kei each week.

Kei’s popular, he’s good-looking, a great volleyball player, and he really cares, despite pretending to be cold and mean. It’s no wonder so many people like him.

“You’re a coward Yamaguchi, even Asahi-san wasn’t this bad!” Noya-senpai says hotly, and Tadashi knows he is, he doesn’t need Noya-senpai to tell him that.

“Erm,” someone says, and they both quickly turn to see Yachi nervously standing beside Tadashi. She’s fidgeting, face red, and Tadashi knows without a doubt that she heard everything.

Fear rushes through his entire body, and he gets up quickly, “Yachi-san!”

“I— I’m sorry!” she cries out. “I didn’t mean to— I— I’m really sorry Yamaguchi-kun!” She’s bowing, completely mortified, and Tadashi feels the same way. He’s thankful that it’s only Yachi that has overheard them, and not Hinata or Kageyama. They would have blurted it out to Kei in seconds.

“It’s alright Yachi-san,” he says, despite feeling as if his insides have gone through a meat-mincer. “Just— Just don’t tell Tsukki, please.”

“I won’t!” Yachi cries out, and she lunges forward, holding Tadashi’s hands, and looking up at him seriously. “I promise Yamaguchi-kun. You’re really so brave and strong!”

Noya-senpai snorts beside them both. “He’s not brave at all,” he says, “He should confess and get over it!”

Yachi looks flustered. “It’s not that easy Noya-san! It’s so hard, and I understand Yamaguchi-kun completely!”

“Oh?” Noya-senpai looks curious now, and Tadashi feels the same. Who does Yachi have unrequited feelings for.

“I really liked her, but— But I didn’t say anything because that would have affected our friendship.” _Her?_ Tadashi has a faint suspicion that he knows exactly who Yachi is talking about.

Yachi looks forlorn, but she takes in a deep breath and puts on a brave face. “I don’t regret not telling her, because even right now we’re still able to talk to each other as really good friends! If I had told her, I wouldn’t have been able to get to know her better, so sometimes not telling is good too Noya-san!” Yachi squeezes Tadashi’s hands. “It hurts so much sometimes, doesn’t it Yamaguchi-kun? If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me!” She smiles so brightly at Tadashi, and all the fears and anxiety that had threatened to take hold of him simply dissipates into gratefulness.

“Thank you,” he says reverently. Yachi beams at him, before turning red again when she looks at her hands clasping onto his. She removes them, jumping back as she does so, “S-sorry!”

“It’s okay!” he says, laughing.

“Both of you are weird,” Noya-senpai says, huffing. “I don’t understand you two.”

“Not everyone’s lucky enough to have their feelings requited Noya-senpai,” Tadashi says, and Noya-senpai just shrugs. “Don’t think you’ve distracted me from the reason I’ve come to talk to you in the first place Yamaguchi! You’re still going to be captain!”

“Eh!” Yachi says, jumping up and down, “Captain? Congratulations Yamaguchi-kun!”

“What’s this about?” Kei says, and it seems as though Kei’s irritated for some reason. Tadashi wonders if the first years are being too boisterous while interacting with Kei. They admire Kei, but because of Kei’s cold demeanor, they’ll always come up to Tadashi for advice on how to approach Kei.

“We’ve decided to elect Yamaguchi as captain,” Noya-senpai says, arching an eyebrow as he smirks at Kei. “What do you think?”

Kei blinks slowly absorbing the information before a smile appears on his face. “He’s the best choice,” Kei says, and Tadashi feels himself turning red again. Kei glances over at Tadashi, and that look of pride on his face, that only strengthens Tadashi’s resolve to stay as his friend.

Kei places a hand on Tadashi’s shoulder, squeezing it, and it’s warm, his skin seems to blister with the touch. “I wouldn’t want anyone else but you to take that spot,” Kei says, and Tadashi wants to throw his arms around Kei, hugging him tight for the confidence Kei has in him.

He restrains himself, and he smiles. “Thank you Tsukki.”

It’s enough like this. Kei’s hand on his shoulder, that smile directed right at him. It’s enough for Tadashi.


	4. through the laughter and the pain, together we're about to fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're in their final year of high school, and everything remains the same, and yet they're not the same.

**_I asked myself if I should take the plunge several times. Perhaps if I had the courage to confess much earlier, we wouldn’t have faced so much heartbreak later on._ **

 

Tadashi hates his freckles, but Kei finds them beautiful, scattering across his cheeks like stars. Tadashi has a lot of moles as well, and they seem to form constellations on his back. Kei wants to trace them all up with his tongue. He stares at Tadashi’s back whenever they change together, and Kei always turns away swiftly before Tadashi catches him staring.

Tadashi’s beautiful, and Kei can’t help himself from feasting his eyes.

As they walk back together, Kei loves looking at the sunset lighting up Tadashi’s features that everything about him seems to be cast in equal amounts of light and shadow, enhancing his sharp cheekbones, the freckles on his skin, his wide eyes, and long lashes. The brown of his eyes are darker at this time of day, like melted chocolate.

He’s beautiful.

Today Tadashi’s talking about a new singer that he likes. Kei listens as Tadashi rambles on. It’s soothing to listen to his voice.

“Sometimes I really feel as if the lyrics resonate with what I feel,” Tadashi mumbles and Kei’s curious. When he returns home that day Kei looks up songs by Troye Sivan. His english is proficient, but Tadashi’s english is significantly better than Kei’s. He has improved since his first year, and Tadashi helps Hinata with english now.

Kei has to search for the words online before he gets the songs. And when he does, he wonders who Tadashi thinks about when he listens to this song. His gut is in knots. The idea of Tadashi liking someone else is stabbing him right in the heart, and the thought of it makes his skin crawl.

It causes him to be in a perpetual bad mood in the next few days. He feels as if he’s about to explode when a first year girl comes up to him to confess. Kei tampers down his irritation, he may be cold, but that doesn’t mean that he’s an asshole.

“I really like you Tsukishima-senpai!” the girl says, and Kei has forgotten her name already. He sighs, and it’s the constant thought of Tadashi in his mind that causes him to answer differently this time. Usually he’ll simply apologize and thank them before leaving.

“I’m in love with someone else,” Kei says, and she doesn’t look all that surprised. “I thought so,” she says quietly, bowing slightly, and Kei’s stunned. “What do you mean by that?” he asks.

“It’s Yamaguchi-senpai isn’t it?” she says, and the silence that surrounds them is her answer.

“It’s the way you look at him,” she says, “As if he’s your world. And it’s not something you commonly see in friendships unless there’s something more.” She’s smart, and Kei would have liked her if it weren’t for the fact that he’s obsessed about a boy with freckles.

Kei doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t know what to say. “Good luck,” she says, and he shuffles his feet awkwardly, watching her leave. Kei sighs, and he wonders how exactly to stop himself from looking at Tadashi oddly. It’s then that he realizes that Tadashi’s a distance away, Kei’s about to call out to him when he sees someone else beside him. A girl’s standing there, and by their red faces, there’s no doubt that she’s confessing to Tadashi.

Suddenly Kei finds it difficult to breathe. His chest constricts, the air too thin to fill his lungs properly, and he stays that way, till he sees Tadashi bowing, and the words ‘sorry’ form on his lips. The girl leaves, and Kei finds himself striding there in a fast pace. Upon becoming captain for the Karasuno volleyball team, Tadashi’s popularity has increased by leaps and bounds and Kei hates that he has to share Tadashi now.

He hadn’t expected that his worst fears, the ones that he has been thinking and contemplating about for the past few days, is close to becoming reality today.

“Did you say yes?” he asks, before Tadashi can say anything. “You saw that?” he says, gaping, and he blushes, making his freckles more prominent.

 _Stop looking so cute Tadashi,_ Kei wants to shout, _because that’s making it very hard for others not to fall in love with you._

Tadashi shakes his head. “No,” he laughs, rubbing the back of his head.

“Do you like anyone?” he asks, trying to be nonchalant. Kei’s sure that he’s failing, because he wants to know so badly.

“Yes,” Tadashi says, and those words are like arrows flying straight at his heart.

Tadashi smiles, and Kei wants to shake him. “But they don’t like me back,” he adds sadly, and the relief that Kei feels overshadows the anger he feels for being so selfish to feel this way.

“I see,” Kei says shortly, and he doesn’t care. He wants to be selfish, he wants Tadashi only for his own. _He wants_. Kei wonders if it’s worth the risk to confess.

“Come on Tsukki, we need to head back to class before the bell rings,” Tadashi says, and Kei follows beside him. They’re both quiet; absorbed in their own thoughts.

Should Kei confess? Should he really? And ruin this friendship that they have between them?

Is it a risk worth taking?

 

* * *

 

**_To me, my first ever kiss was that accidental kiss of ours._ **

 

During the volleyball practice that day, one of the clumsier first years pushes into Tadashi, causing him to fall onto Kei.

Kei scrambles to grab a hold of Tadashi but it was a huge impact, and they go down on the floor with a loud crash. Tadashi’s lips accidentally presses onto Kei, and he has a moment to think, _oh my god I’m kissing Kei_ , before he pulls back, sitting on his haunches.

Kei looks alarmed, his eyes are wide open, and the tip of his ears have turned red. _Oh god, does he hate it so much?_

“I’m sorry Tsukki,” Tadashi says, “It’s just a kiss between friends, it’s nothing.”

Kei’s still staring at him, stunned, and Tadashi’s about to apologize again when the first year runs towards them and starts crying. “I’m s-s-sorry!” the boy says, Keita’s a good player, even if he has the tendency to trip over his own feet when he’s not playing volleyball.

“It’s okay!” Tadashi says, trying to calm the boy down, and before he realizes, Kei’s already gone. Kei’s handling the second years, teaching them to block, and Tadashi’s busy teaching the jump float serve to another junior. They don’t speak for the rest of the day, and when Tadashi’s about to ask Kei if they’re about to walk back together, Kei tells him that he’s busy, and he leaves first.

Tadashi goes home in a daze.

That night Tadashi lies in bed and he touches his lips. It was his first kiss. It was warm, slightly dry, and Kei’s breath was like strawberries when he pulled away.

Tadashi feels his face turn warm, and he hides under the blankets. His hands slip under his boxers, and it’s embarrassingly fast before he comes to the thought of Kei kissing him even more, hands roaming everywhere.

He feels like a guilty pervert after he throws away the tissues, cleaning up all the evidence. Jerking off after his best friend is definitely something that friends don’t do. Tadashi lies in his bed, feeling cold to his bones.

The next day, Tadashi tries to be normal, he tries to act as if he didn’t come from the thought of his best friend kissing him. Kei seems to have forgotten all about the accidental kiss as well, and their friendship appears just as strong as ever. Intact.

It causes Tadashi to feel relieved and disappointed at the same time that nothing has changed.

 

* * *

 

**_My older brother is annoying but I should have listened to him back then. I was caught up in my own despair that I hadn’t realized that others might have felt the same way I did. That they too, have experienced something like this. I could have listened to their advice and acted accordingly instead of ignoring them._ **

 

Kei’s disappointed in Tadashi’s lack of response. He had smiled after, and it looked a little strained. With those words of his, Kei knows Tadashi clearly places him in the ‘just friends’ category. _What do you mean it’s nothing?_ Kei wants it to be something.

It’s his second kiss with Tadashi, even if he doesn’t know about the first one, and Kei is spiraling deeper and deeper into this love for the other boy. Tadashi doesn’t seem to feel anything, and he’s the same as he always was, laughing and talking with Kei as if absolutely nothing has happened to change the equilibrium of their relationship.

Kei’s the only one suffering under the spell Tadashi has cast over him.

“Okaa-san, Yamaguchi’s going to study with me upstairs,” he says, as he goes into the kitchen to grab a cup of water for Tadashi.

Akiteru nii-san’s here this time, dropping by on his off-day from work.

“Ho, he’s here again,” he says, arching an eyebrow.

Akiteru nii-san is being nosy and annoying. Stupid.

“Yes,” Kei says sharply, as if daring Akiteru nii-san to say something. Akiteru nii-san is immune to Kei’s glare, and he only laughs at Kei’s attempts to scare him.

“You should tell him that you like him,” Akiteru nii-san says, and Kei can’t say anything to dispute the fact that he likes Tadashi, because he does.

“He doesn’t like guys,” Kei says, and it hurts to say it out loud.

“How do you know?” Akiteru nii-san asks curiously, and he sounds amused.

“I just do!” Kei snaps back. “Tsk.”

“You’ve always been like this,” Akiteru nii-san says then, “Giving up just because you think it won’t succeed. Giving up because you don’t want to look uncool. It’s my fault for causing you to have this complex, but trust me when I say that you should just tell Tadashi-kun how you feel.”

Akiteru nii-san looks completely serious, his eyes narrowing as he assesses Kei’s response. “Just tell him, you might find your feelings requited,” he says, patting Kei on the head even though Kei’s way taller than Akiteru nii-san now.

“I—” he starts, but Tadashi interrupts him by appearing beside him then. Kei’s heart starts to beat faster at the thought that Tadashi might have overheard the conversation.

“Akiteru nii-san!” Tadashi says, and he’s smiling widely, and Kei exhales slowly. He doesn’t seem to have heard anything. He makes a throat-slashing motion behind Tadashi, directed at his older brother.

His older brother only smirks before patting Tadashi on the head.

“You’re bothering us Akiteru nii-san,” he says, tugging onto Tadashi before Akiteru nii-san hogs all of Tadashi’s attention.

“It’s okay Tsukki,” Tadashi says, laughing, but he follows when Kei leaves the kitchen to head to his room.

He carries the glasses of water up the stairs, Tadashi by his side, refusing to look at Akiteru nii-san any longer. Despite that, he can still feel his older brother’s gaze on his back, along with the air of amusement he carries.

 

* * *

 

**_I wonder if everyone else but us knew that we were so in love with each other. I wonder if they saw us pining for each other from afar._ **

 

“Yamaguchi! Please go out with me!” Hinata cries out and Tadashi does a double-take. “What?”

“Please go out with me to help choose a valentine’s gift for Tobio!” Hinata says, and he sounds desperate. “I don’t know what to get him!”

Tadashi laughs. “You’re putting a lot of thought into this aren’t you Hinata?”

“It’s our first Valentine’s Day together and I don’t want to ruin it,” Hinata blushes and Tadashi finds himself inexplicably jealous. It must be nice to be troubled by matters like this, to have the perfect date, worrying about what to get for the other half.

“Let me just tell Tsukki,” Tadashi says. Hinata quickly shakes his head and pulls Tadashi away from the gym.

“No! Tobio mustn’t know! He’s with Tsukishima now too, so it’s our chance to escape!” Hinata says, looking anxious.

“Alright, okay, don’t pull me so hard Hinata!” Tadashi sends off a message to Kei. He doesn’t want Kei to wait for him when they’re not going back together today.

> **To:** Kei
> 
> _Going off with Hinata to get something._ (⌒▽⌒）
> 
> **From:** Kei
> 
> _Ok._

“Do you have any ideas on what to get him?” Tadashi asks, as they board the train.

“Not really, Yamaguchi please help me!” Hinata says, and the boy’s so nervous that he can’t even sit still. “Tobio really likes volleyball, and I really like volleyball too, but we can’t just play volleyball for our date!”

Tadashi feels very amused and horrified at the same time. “Is that what you’ve been doing for your dates?”

“Yeah! We watch tapes of our previous matches and we compare skill sets! And then we practice!” Hinata says excitedly, jumping up and down in the moving train. The other passengers are staring at them, and Tadashi feels so embarrassed. Hinata’s taller now, and supposedly more mature, yet he still acts the same as he did in their first year.

“So what do you think Yamaguchi? I should do something different this time right?” Hinata asks, as they push through the crowd to get to the shops.

Tadashi doesn’t know why Hinata doesn’t just bring Yachi along to help him with this. It isn’t as if he has had much or any experience in dating. He’s almost afraid to ask Hinata the reason why he brought Tadashi along instead of anyone else.

“You should bring him to a cafe,” Tadashi says, that’s what couples do right? They eat together? “There’s this cafe that Tsukki and I like, it’s right over there!” He points it out to Hinata, and the other boy whips out a notebook, hurriedly scribbling the name of the cafe. “Their strawberry shortcake is the best. In fact, wait here. I’m going to get one of them for Tsukki.”

“Tsukishima likes strawberry shortcake eh,” Hinata says, “Maybe Tobio will like them too!”

“The chocolate rolls are really nice too,” Tadashi offers. He pays the lady at the counter, and she smiles at him, asking about his day. He has come here so often with Kei that the cafe workers are quite familiar with them. Hinata gets some chocolate rolls to eat, testing out the merchandise before considering bringing Kageyama there.

“Wow, it’s really good Yamaguchi!” Hinata exclaims as he bites into one.

“That cafe has really good coffee,” Tadashi says, as he points to another location. “And that’s my favorite froyo shop.”

“Do you often come here with Tsukishima?” Hinata asks curiously. Tadashi blushes, “Sometimes,” he says vaguely.

The other members don’t know that Kei actually has a sweet tooth, often craving for cakes or sweets. Tadashi likes them too, and they often find new cafes to try, just for fun.

“Yamaguchi, what gift should I get him? I really don’t know what to do!”

“It’s always safe to get something that they need as a gift,” Tadashi says then, and Hinata pauses in his steps, making a face as he thinks hard on what Kageyama needs.

Tadashi tries not to laugh but Hinata’s facial expressions are so comical. He’s scrunching up his face, making a little humming noise as he racks his brain for ideas.

“Gloves!” Hinata says then, “He might need some gloves! He always tells me that his hands get cold easily. I can get him gloves right?”

 _You don’t have to ask me,_ Tadashi thinks. _He’s your boyfriend!_ “That’s actually not a bad idea,” he says, because he half-expected Hinata to want to buy another volleyball for Kageyama, or maybe some shoes.

They head to the store together, and Tadashi feels out of place. The store is decorated brightly in hues of pink and red in anticipation of Valentine’s Day. There are plenty of girls all around as well, holding up different items and discussing very loudly if their significant other would like it. They’re whispering as Hinata goes to the gloves section, and Tadashi trails along behind Hinata, his face red. _It isn’t that uncommon for guys to buy presents for their loved ones,_ he wants to yell out, but that would only cause a commotion, and Tadashi just wants to hide himself away right now.

“Do you think Tobio will like this?” Hinata takes a pair of dark blue gloves and waves it in Tadashi’s face.

 _Not my boyfriend,_ he thinks again. “I don’t know his taste but the colors will suit him!” Tadashi says, trying to be helpful.

“Hm,” Hinata makes a noise of assent, and he stares at the gloves for a little longer before he smiles brightly. The force of his smile lightens the unease that Tadashi feels. “I’ll definitely get this one for him!”

“Should we get going then?” he asks, and Hinata frowns. “Aren’t you going to get something for Tsukishima? It’s getting colder lately, and he’s been sneezing hasn’t he?” The other boy has gotten more observant, and he has a point. Kei has been on the verge of falling ill, and Tadashi has been worried.

He looks around the store, overwhelmed by all the decorations. It wouldn’t hurt to get Kei a gift. Not a Valentine’s Day gift of course, but a platonic gift, in view of winter.

“I’ll help you find something for him!” Hinata cries out, and Tadashi shushes him. “Too loud!” he says urgently as the whispers around them increase in volume.

“Please?” Hinata pouts, and Tadashi gives in to the other boy’s request. He can’t refuse Hinata when he pulls out the puppy-dog eyes like that!

“Okay,” Tadashi sighs.

“Oh that’s so pretty, and it looks like something Tsukishima would like too!” The other boy holds up a light blue scarf, and it is perfect. It looks exactly like something Kei would wear. He passes it to Tadashi and it’s so soft. The material feels really nice against his skin. “You’re getting it right?” Hinata asks, jumping for joy, positively delighted that he has helped Tadashi find something for Kei.

“Yeah,” Tadashi says, and he’s wondering how he’s supposed to give it to Kei without seeming as if he bought it purposely for Valentine’s Day tomorrow. He receives a message then.

> **From:** Kei
> 
> _When will you be back?_
> 
> **To:** Kei
> 
> _I’m not sure, probably in an hour or two?_ ( ≧∇≦)/
> 
> **From:** Kei
> 
> _Can I drop by at your place when you’re back?_
> 
> **To:** Kei
> 
> _Alright! See you Tsukki!_ ( ´  ▽ ` )ﾉ

Why did Kei want to meet Tadashi after this? Tadashi feels happier suddenly, at the thought of seeing Kei after this. He can’t stop the smile that blooms on his face and Hinata notices.

“It’s Tsukishima isn’t it?” he asks slyly, and Tadashi chooses not to answer. Is it that obvious?

Hinata lets out a shout then, and Tadashi stares as Hinata reaches out for a scarf at the top display sections. “Hey, this one will look so nice on you Yamaguchi!”

It’s a light green scarf that looks similar to the one that Tadashi’s holding. When Hinata passes it to him, he checks the label and sure enough, it’s part of the same clothing line.

“Couple scarves!” Hinata says, “I’m so jealous! Maybe I should find another pair of gloves that looks like the one I’m getting for Tobio, that way we would match!” At that Hinata leaves Tadashi standing there, holding both gloves in shock.

He wasn’t even given the chance to say that he isn’t in a relationship with Kei.

When Hinata finally returns with a pair of red gloves that look like the blue ones he’s getting Kageyama, Tadashi has already placed the other scarf back on the shelf.

“Why aren’t you getting the other one for yourself Yamaguchi?” Hinata asks, when they’re finally leaving.

“I’m not together with Tsukki,” he says quietly, and Hinata’s so quiet that he turns to look at the other boy to confirm his presence. Hinata looks absolutely shocked, and Tadashi’s taken aback by his intense expression.

“What? But— But you’re a couple!” he insists, and Tadashi laughs bitterly. “No we’re not,” he says again. “We’re not.”

Hinata seems to get it then, and he’s quiet all the way back. Tadashi appreciates the silence. He’s sure that Hinata gets it then, by the pitying looks Hinata’s giving him. He sighs and starts to plan what he would say when he meets Kei later. It’s good that Kei wants to meet Tadashi right now because he would be able to give him the gift today and not tomorrow which would have been more awkward.

When they part, Hinata bows. “Thank you for today Yamaguchi! I wouldn’t know what to do if it weren’t for you!” He straightens himself and he abruptly clasp Tadashi’s hands. “Tsukishima has been nicer, more grown up I guess.” Hinata pauses then, and it’s the soft sad smile that gets to Tadashi.

“Even so, Yamaguchi, you’re too good for Tsukishima. Is he worth all the pain you’re going through?” Hinata asks, and he sounds genuinely curious. Tadashi knows that Hinata and Kageyama had both been oblivious to their feelings till some event triggered it which he doesn’t know about. They got it easy, both of them so in love with each other. Hinata can’t have known how long it has been since Tadashi has loved Kei. He wouldn’t understand what it’s like, to love someone who’s close enough to touch, and yet the distance between their hearts are too far away.

“Of course it is,” Tadashi answers, thinking, _Kei’s the one who’s too good for me._

Hinata looks at him critically, and Tadashi shifts awkwardly. “I hope so, for your sake,” Hinata says. Tadashi doesn’t know the exact moment Hinata becomes so perceptive, perhaps he has always been, but it was overshadowed by his usual boisterous self that others underestimate him.

“Bye Hinata,” Tadashi says with a note of finality, and Hinata gets the hint. He grins, “Thanks again Captain! You’re the best, Happy Early Valentine’s Day!” Hinata dashes away with his gifts, leaving Tadashi standing there feeling so confused.

How is it that everyone thinks they’re together, that Tadashi should confess? Can’t they see how terrifying it is? How utterly impossible it is?

He’s jealous of the easy love Hinata has with Kageyama. He’s jealous of Noya-senpai’s confidence to tell Asahi-san how he feels, and how Asahi-san accepted them. He’s jealous of how they have absolutely nothing to lose.

Tadashi has everything to lose, because Kei’s.. Kei is his everything.


	5. been through a lot of hard days, but I made it back to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The turmoil of emotions that they face, it alternates between indescribable despair and unbearable joy.

**_I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t stand this emotions taking hold of me each and every time. I wanted to do so much more, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted him. I wanted all of him. The words that I wanted to say were threatening to spill out, and they nearly did, but I was a fool. I was a fool and I screwed up._ **

 

They’re sitting at the sides, resting before Kei has to go and actually teach and practice with the first years. He’s taking the much needed time to just remove himself from this tiresome situation.

Unfortunately for Kei, the King’s brooding over something, and the tension is so palpable that it’s pricking on Kei’s conscience.

“What’s wrong King,” he asks reluctantly, because the air around Kageyama feels suffocating, and Kei’s not that much of an asshole to ignore him when the guy’s clearly in so much distress.

“Valentine’s Day is next week,” he says, and okay, Kei gets it now. He’s trying hard not to burst out in laughter, but he can’t resist smirking at Kageyama. 

“It’s not funny!” Kageyama shouts, and the rest of them turn to look at him from across the gym. Hinata seems as if he’s about to come over as well but their new libero distracts him.

“Shut up Tsukishima,” Kageyama whispers, eyes darting furtively to look at Hinata while he practices his spikes with the libero.

“It is funny,” Kei says, snickering.

“I don’t know what to get him!” Kageyama exclaims, and Kei’s not bothering to listen to him anymore. It’s all pointless teenage drama anyway. He jogs over to where the first years are slumped together, tired from the brutal training Tadashi’s making them do.

The practice match with Nekoma has been scheduled for next week, and Tadashi has been ruthless in keeping them in shape for it. After his initial nervousness, Tadashi has been an amazing captain and watching him shout at the juniors to make sure they continue practicing is giving Kei all sorts of feelings inside. He especially likes sneaking looks whenever his rotation causes his position to be behind Tadashi during their matches.

“I’ve got an errand to run,” Kei says after they’ve all finished for the day. “Okay Tsukki!” Tadashi exclaims smiling, and Kei feels a prick of jealousy when he sees their juniors running after Tadashi to go back with him.

He’s supposed to go get some items for his okaa-san, and he would’ve gone with Tadashi but Kageyama has been looking stupider than usual, and Kei’s feeling magnanimous today.

“Come on,” he mumbles to Kageyama. Kageyama looks up at him in surprise and confusion, and Hinata looks curious as well, before Kei snarls out, “Didn’t you want to get something?” Kageyama owes him for this. Kageyama’s face immediately lights up as he comes upon the realization that Kei’s _actually helping him_.

“Right, see you tomorrow Shouyou,” Kageyama says, and Kei’s thankful that they haven’t called each other ridiculous names like _boo_ , or _baby_. The thought of it sends shivers down his spine.

They’re almost out of the school gates when Kageyama turns to Kei, “Thank you,” he says sincerely, and Kei loses the desire to tease him further about it.

“You owe me one King,” he grumbles, and Kageyama only nods, taking his words very seriously. “Anything.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Kei says.

They both walk in comfortable silence, and Kei did have an errand to run, so he leads Kageyama to the shopping district. “Here, go get something for Hinata here, all those shops would have some Valentine’s offer,” Kei says, as he turns to the fabric store.

His okaa-san had requested that he get new scarfs for himself and for the rest of the family. “Something nice,” she said, “So that you won’t catch a cold.”

“Oi, where are you going?” Kageyama says desperately, as he stares at the colorful stores around him.

“I’m not going to help you pick a gift,” Kei says irritated. “There, just go to one of those chocolate stores and get him a box of chocolates, I’m sure he’ll like that. Better still, get him some plush toy. Maybe a poster of Japan’s volleyball team,” Kei lists off things Kageyama can buy monotonously but the other boy still looks clueless.

“Where are you going?” Kageyama repeats, and he sounds like he’s whining, as if he needs Kei to hold his hand while he shops for his boyfriend.

“The clothing store!” Kei snaps, “I’m getting some winter wear!”

“Oh, that’s a good idea!” Kageyama says, and the idiot actually follows Kei to the shop. It’s probably an excuse not to be left alone in the colorful stores by himself, surrounded by the masses fooled by the concept of Valentine’s Day.

Kageyama enters the store and stands stiffly by the side as Kei heads straight to the scarves section. Kei picks out a scarf for each of his family members, and he’s sorely tempted to get a kiddy looking scarf printed with Stegosaurus all over for Akiteru nii-san. He ends up choosing a dull cream colored one for his older brother instead. There’s a black one dotted with stars that he likes, and he wonders if it’s too tacky to wear. Kei places it down and picks up a light green one, and he’s abruptly bombarded with images of Tadashi wearing it.

“That’s one of our bestsellers, they’re called the Infinity Scarves,” a saleperson says as she stands besides Kei, smiling brightly. Her name’s Rinko according to the nametag and she looks so cheerful, bouncing on her heels as she’s grabbing another scarf for Kei to inspect.

“The one you’re holding is one of the last few scarves we have in our store. It’s really pretty, I have the pink one too! And my boyfriends have the grey and cream colored ones,” she says easily, so bubbly and chirpy that it’s giving Kei a mild headache. She doesn’t seem to have noticed that she mentioned boyfriends instead of boyfriend as well.

“I see,” Kei says. The green scarf really is very beautiful, and it would suit Tadashi.

“Would you like to get another one in a different shade for yourself?” Rinko says, and Kei supposes that the light green one doesn’t really suit his skin tone, but she shouldn’t have assumed he was getting it for someone else instead of himself.

“There’s no need,” he says shortly, and Rinko’s smile wavers. Kei sighs, and softens his tone. “No, I’m getting this one instead.” He picks up a simple white one for himself that would be enough to keep him warm.

Kei doesn’t want Tadashi to get the wrong idea. The thought of them both wearing matching scarves causes Kei to feel warm inside, and also a little disgusted at himself. He has never liked seeing people wearing couple tees or matching watches, it’s completely unnecessary. To think that he would change his mind if it meant matching with Tadashi. Kei’s horrified.

To prevent himself from having further ridiculous thoughts like this, he purposely chooses a scarf that doesn’t match the one he’s getting for Tadashi.

“If you change your mind I can still reserve the other one for you,” she says kindly, and Kei nods. “Thank you but—” He’s interrupted by Kageyama appearing beside the salesperson. Rinko bows and leaves them both alone, and Kei heaves a sigh of relief.

“Do you think this is good enough?” Kageyama says as he holds up matching scarves of blue and red.

“How would I know?” Kei says, frowning. “He’s your boyfriend you dumbass.”

“Tsk, just asking if it looks good enough! I want it to be perfect!” Kageyama says hotly.

“Just get them, I’m sure he’ll like anything you pick,” Kei says, feeling exhausted.

Kageyama stares at them and Kei can feel a vein throbbing on his forehead.

“Give it!” He grabs them from Kageyama and strides to the cashier in wide steps.

“Oi, I haven’t decided yet!” Kageyama says, as he tries to stop Kei.

Kei dumps all of the scarves on the counter. “He’ll like it,” he says, “Stop wasting my time. I’m tired.”

“Fine,” Kageyama snaps back, and he’s quiet for a moment while they scan the items, before turning to Kei again in a more subdued manner, “Are you sure he’ll like it?”

“Yes,” Kei sighs. “Yes he will, you picked it, he’ll like it.”

Stupid idiots in love. First they were volleyball idiots, seeing nothing but the volleyball, and now they’ve upgraded to thinking of nothing but each other plus volleyball.

“Thank you Tsukishima,” Kageyama says as they return home. The journey back had been full of silences, but of the comfortable kind.

“You’re welcome,” Kei mutters, “Don’t worry too much about it, both of you will be fine,” he adds, leaving Kageyama behind. They would be, having what comes easy only to a select few.

When his mother notices the extra scarf for Tadashi she doesn’t say anything, she merely smiles, her eyes twinkling, and Kei blushes.

He spends the rest of the week wondering exactly when he should pass the gift to Tadashi. It seems too awkward to simply hand it to him when Valentine’s Day is so close. Would Tadashi misunderstand? Kei doesn’t know if he wants to confess to Tadashi as well, but to do so on Valentine’s Day is the worst cliche ever and Kei would rather stab himself first than do such a thing.

To confess to Tadashi would change things as well.

Kei watches Tadashi smile as one of the first years manage to spike past the blockers. His feelings for Tadashi has evolved, increased, over the last few months, and it’s as though it cannot be contained anymore. Each and every day, his heart fills with the overwhelming joy from being with Tadashi.

Each time he’s apart, there’s the hollowness that comes over him.

Kei lies in his bed at night, unable to sleep because his thoughts are filled with Tadashi, and when he does fall asleep, his dreams are of freckles scattering across cheeks like stars, moles forming constellations on a smooth back, long lean lines of muscle that form beautiful thighs, and a smile that melts Kei’s insides every time it shines his way.

He decides then, that enough is enough, Kei won’t allow himself to suffer like this. He will confess, and he will accept whatever Tadashi’s decision might be. There are many scenarios that could occur should Kei choose to confess.

Kei’s manipulative enough that he knows, even if Tadashi doesn’t feel the same way, Tadashi would not leave Kei alone. Not when their lives are so intertwined for years now. Tadashi would probably apologize, mildly uncomfortable at the thought that his best friend has been in love with him for so long. And yet, Tadashi would still follow Kei around, perhaps to show his support, to be a good friend. Tadashi has always been far too kind, too nice, unlike Kei.

If Kei were to push Tadashi, even if Tadashi does not share the same feelings, he might be able to coerce Tadashi into having a relationship with him. Despite that, it would a relationship of lies, and the thought of doing such a thing to Tadashi.. Kei’s disgusting, he’s scum for even thinking of this.

The last option would be Tadashi feeling the same way as Kei, and that feels like a dream that would never come true.

Kei chooses to enact his plan on the day before Valentine’s Day, and he’s about to ask Tadashi to stay back after practice so that they would be able to go to their favorite cafe together when he receives a message from the other boy.

He frowns when he sees that Tadashi already has other plans. It probably wouldn’t make much difference to tell Tadashi how he feels on the day after Valentine’s but Kei has already prepared himself mentally for this.

He had lost so much sleep, painstakingly planning the words to say. Kei had tried to build up confidence for this day as well, and for it to go to waste, well, that wouldn’t do.

Kei messages Tadashi and when he gets Tadashi’s replies, he finds himself pacing back and forth in his own room.

> **From:** Tadashi
> 
> _I’m coming by your place now!_ ( ❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*
> 
> **To:** Tadashi
> 
> _Ok._

Kei forces himself to sit at his desk, calmly staring at his textbooks till he hears the door ring. The scarf that he’s gotten for Tadashi is nicely wrapped and hidden in his cupboard. He can hear his okaa-san greeting Tadashi and he waits for Tadashi to come up to his room.

“Tsukki!” Tadashi says as he enters the unlocked room, and he flops himself down on Kei’s bed.

“You look tired,” Kei says, noting Tadashi’s pallor. His hair is messily tied up, falling over his face in strands, and Tadashi looks a little uneasy.

“Hah, the outing with Hinata was tiring,” he replies, and Kei frowns. “Are you alright?” He would completely forgo his plans if Tadashi’s unwell.

Tadashi shakes his head. “No, I’m fine Tsukki.” He grins, and it’s then that Kei notices the two bags that Tadashi’s carrying.

“What are those?” he asks, and Tadashi blushes. “I went shopping with Hinata, he was freaking out about what to get Kageyama.”

Tadashi smiles shyly, and Kei wants to kiss him. He goes over to Tadashi, sitting beside him and he wants to place an arm around the other boy.

“Here you go,” Tadashi says and Kei stares at it, his heart pounding.

Does Tadashi know? Did he have the same intentions as Kei? He opens up the bag, and the scarf that he’s holding is one that suits him perfectly, the scarf that’s a match to the one he had gotten Tadashi.

Kei opens his mouth to tell Tadashi, to blurt out what he’s thinking, to say the words that he’s been aching to say—

“Like—” he starts.

“It’s just a friendship gift,” Tadashi says abruptly, and that’s his heart sinking all the way down to his stomach, digested by all his juices, bile rising to his mouth.

“Oh,” Kei says, “Thank you.” He tries to smile but it feels fake. His heart slows down as the reality of it crashes over him. It was never going to be the last option, the one where Tadashi confesses that he’s in love with Kei too. It’s the first one, where Tadashi’s completely not into Kei, and it hurts so much.

Kei’s hands tremble as he holds on to the scarf.

Tadashi notices, because he always does. “Are you okay Kei?”

“I didn’t get you anything,” he says, and he thinks of the scarf hiding in the cupboard, never to see the light of the day ever again.

“That’s alright,” Tadashi says, smiling sweetly, “I didn’t expect you to. When we were choosing gifts for Kageyama,I saw this and I thought you’d like it. It’s just a coincidence that it’s during Valentine’s Day,” he says it all in a rush, face turning red, and Kei thinks that’s so adorable, and it also pains him, to hear Tadashi try to explain himself.

 _It’s enough,_ he wants to say, _I know. You could never like me like that._

 

* * *

 

**_To be with the one I loved— To share memories like these— I cherish each moment we spent together, whether it ended with tears, or with smiles._ **

 

“I also got you cake,” Tadashi continues, unpacking the box of strawberry shortcake. He had gotten some paper plates and forks just for this. He gets up over to Kei’s desk, and Kei continues to sit on the bed, watching Tadashi. He feels Kei’s gaze on his back, and it burns.

_That went alright, didn’t it? He doesn’t suspect a thing, does he?_

Tadashi tries to avoid looking at Kei, but he notices Kei’s hands trembling. Is he disgusted with Tadashi’s actions? It isn’t normal for a platonic Valentine’s Day gift at their age, and it’s the first time Tadashi has done something like this too.

He tries not to think about it, because the thought of Kei being repulsed by Tadashi’s actions will make him cry, and he doesn’t want to cry, not now.

Tadashi bites his lips, wanting to be bolder than usual today.

“Kei,” Tadashi says, they’ve known each other long enough to use their first names, and Tadashi wants to own something, to call the other boy by his given name when others can’t.

“Kei,” he says, looking up, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He carries the cake over to Kei, carefully holding the cake steady on the flimsy plate.

Kei looks startled, but he eventually smiles at Tadashi, eyes crinkling at the corners. His smile is so warm and wide, with the hint of teeth, and Tadashi feels tingly all over.

“Thanks,” Kei says gruffly, his cheeks red. “You called me Kei,” he said in a funny voice.

“Y-yeah, just wanted to try it out,” Tadashi says, flushing, “You called me Tadashi before,” he mumbles out, feeling embarrassed that they’re having this conversation.

“No, I— I liked it,” Kei admits. He takes a bite of the cake and his eyes close as he savors the taste. Kei’s sitting so close to Tadashi that he can feel the other boy’s body warmth seeping into his skin. Their thighs are touching as they sit on the bed together like this.

Tadashi leans in a little closer, so that their arms brush against each other as Kei moves. Kei directs the next bite towards Tadashi, and he tries not to squirm as he leans forward and accepts it, tasting the fresh cream and strawberries. He’s hyperaware of how close he is to Kei like this, that he can see the little twitch of Kei’s lips.

He licks his lips, and Kei’s eyes seemed drawn to the motion. Tadashi pulls back, and Kei watches him so intently that he feels so conscious of the way he moves. The air in the room doesn’t seem to be enough for the two of them, and it’s getting more difficult to breath easy.

“Can I put the scarf around you?” Tadashi asks, as he takes the scarf that’s lying on the bed.

“Yes,” Kei says, and his voice is deeper than usual. It makes him feel so warm, the heat pooling down in all the wrong places. He gulps down the desire to push Kei on the bed, to straddle him, to confess.

His face is so close to Kei’s, and it’s not necessary to do it this way, but Tadashi places one hand on Kei’s firm thigh, the other twirling the scarf around the other boy’s neck. He can feel Kei’s breath, and it would be so easy to just kiss him right now.

Tadashi wants to know if Kei would taste like cream and strawberries, like the cake he has just eaten. He wants to know if Kei’s kisses are just as sweet.

“Tadashi?” Kei says, his mouth so close that his breath blows over Tadashi’s lips, and he shivers from the sensation.

“You— You look really nice with the scarf,” he says, pulling back so abruptly that he nearly falls to the floor.

_That was close._

Tadashi’s heart is beating so fast, like horses thundering away, and his palms are sweaty. He had nearly kissed Kei, and Tadashi really wants to do it, he wants to throw caution to the wind, he wants to live manlier, just as Noya-senpai told him before. He wants to, so very much, but the fear of losing Kei is so much stronger than anything else that he feels in this moment. Tadashi inhales deeply, and he forces a smile on his face.

“Really nice, I’m glad I got it for you,” Tadashi says, his voice a little too high-pitched.

Kei’s looking at him strangely, fingers pressing onto the scarf around his neck, and it does look wonderful on him.

“Thank you,” Kei says, and he clears his throat. He gets up from the bed, and Tadashi wonders what he’s about to do.

Kei grabs a box from his cupboard throwing it to Tadashi. “Okaa-san got this for you,” he says, and Kei’s ears are red at the tips again, his hands twitching. Tadashi’s looking at the box in surprise. Kei’s pushing his glasses agitatedly on his face, a sign that he’s lying. That’s a habit of Kei’s that only Tadashi knows, and he feels hollow inside.

Tadashi wonders if the gift is actually for a girl. Does Kei feel the obligation to give Tadashi something since he had gotten a gift for Kei?

“There’s no need to give me anything Tsukki,” he says, reverting back to the nickname for Kei.

Kei frowns, “Just open it Tadashi,” he says.

Tadashi opens it slowly, carefully peeling the tape off the wrapping paper, meticulously unfolding them to reveal the gift within.

“Oh,” he breathes. It’s the scarf that he had returned to the store just hours ago. The one that matches Kei’s scarf. It’s the shade that Tadashi likes, the one that suits him, and he looks up at Kei wonderingly.

“It’s beautiful,” Tadashi says, not divulging the fact that he had placed this back because he was afraid to match with Kei, afraid that he would be misunderstood. He loops it around his own neck before Kei can offer to do it for him.

Tadashi’s not certain that he can restrain himself if they’re that close again, he would definitely sully Kei with his desires.

“You’re beautiful,” Kei says, and it’s so sudden, so loud in the quiet of his room, that Tadashi just stares. Kei seems to realize what he says, and he blushes, “I meant the scarf,” he says, and Tadashi laughs a little too hard to cover up the nervousness he feels.

Kei comes closer, settling himself beside Tadashi again and he leans his weight against the other boy. Kei closes his eyes, and Tadashi keeps himself still.

Kei’s eyes are still closed when he smiles. “We match,” he says in a soft voice, and it causes Tadashi to feel a surge of joy, of something settling deep within him, giving him peace.

“Thank you Kei,” he whispers, closing his eyes, and letting his other senses take hold. Kei smells like cinnamon, sharp and spicy, and it fills his senses. He’s so warm, huddled against Tadashi like this. Tadashi’s hand twitch on his thigh, and he can feel Kei’s hands just beside his. If he reaches out a little, he could intertwine their fingers together, and he would brush Kei’s knuckles with his thumb, memorizing each cut and bump.

They sit like that for ages, their arms and thighs pressing against each other, their hands just beside one another, Kei laying his head on Tadashi’s shoulder. They sit there, and they just breathe, sharing the air between them till Kei’s okaa-san calls them down for dinner. It’s the happiest Tadashi has been for months, years.

_I love you Kei, I love you so much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scenes with scarves were inspired by [THIS AMAZING FIC](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5460830/chapters/12623822) by AgentRenaeShnucumbs. If you don't read it, you are clearly missing out.


	6. the state of my heart, the place where we are

**_I was worried that all these memories that I create with him will be all that’s left for me to hold when I inevitably live a life that does not have include him._ **

 

Valentine’s Day passes without much fare. Both Kei and Tadashi receives numerous chocolates, and Tadashi blushes each time a girl comes up to him to confess. He’s still not used to this. It makes him seem all the more adorable to Kei’s internal consternation. Kei’s usual irritation and jealousy at Tadashi’s popularity —which has nothing to do which him being popular per se, but more with the amount of people Kei has to be on guard against — has been subdued by the fact that Tadashi’s wearing the scarf Kei got him.

The light green scarf around his neck is a mark of Kei’s ownership upon Tadashi. It’s wrong on Kei’s part to think this way, but he cannot stop himself from feeling proud; victorious.

 _Mine_ , he thinks viciously as he watches the girls leave Tadashi with tears in their eyes despite the demure way he turns them down. _He’s mine and none of you will ever have him._

He fingers the blue scarf around his neck, keeping him warm. It’s an exact match to Tadashi’s and he knows what they think when they walk side-by-side together pass hallways. The fact that Kageyama and Hinata’s wearing matching scarves and gloves too only causes more rumors to spread.

Kei’s not doing anything to dispel them. In fact, it’s good. This way he knows that no one will approach Tadashi while he’s still around. It’s such a childish thing to do, but Kei’s going to do all he can to keep Tadashi close to him. Even if Tadashi doesn’t feel the same way Kei does. Hitoka gives him odd looks when she notices that he’s sticking so close to Tadashi, but she doesn’t say a word and he appreciates it.

“Tsukishima,” Asano calls out, “Saeki-sensei wants to see you with regards to your career forms.”

Kei had struggled with filling the form out and with the intensive training for the upcoming volleyball games, Kei had forgotten all about it.

“Do you want me to wait for you Tsukki?” Tadashi says, as he hoists up his bag on his shoulder. Kei shakes his head, “Go on to practice. They need you, Captain. I’ll be done shortly.”

Tadashi nods, smiling brightly the moment Kei calls him Captain.

Kei enters the teacher’s lounge and Saeki-sensei glances up as Kei stands beside him. “Come on,” he tells Kei, “Let’s go to the conference room to discuss this.”

When they’ve settled down, sitting across each other, Saeki-sensei pulls out an empty career form. “I’m surprised that you’re one of the few who hasn’t given me your career form yet. Of course Yamaguchi hasn’t either.” His gaze on Kei speaks volumes on his thoughts about it.

Kei keeps silent, steepling his fingers together, resting them on his lap as Saeki-sensei continues speaking. “I’ll meet up with Yamaguchi tomorrow, and then Yamato,” Saeki-sensei rambles off to himself.

“What is it that you want to speak to me about?” he interrupts before the meeting gets dragged on.

Saeki-sensei gives him a calculating once-over, crossing his arms. He leans back, making himself comfortable in the chair before speaking. 

“Are you still focused on volleyball?” Saeki-sensei asks.

“Yes,” he replies shortly.

Saeki-sensei sighs. “You have to start thinking about where you’re going to apply for your higher education. With your grades you could go to any university in Tokyo. What are you planning to do?”

“I—” Kei hasn’t thought about it. He doesn’t quite know. He has a preference for the sciences, and there are days when he thinks that being a doctor is the career of choice for him.

“You’ll have to dedicate your time to studying if you intend to apply to the top universities,” Saeki-sensei watches Kei closely. “I understand that volleyball’s a passion of yours, but you’ll have to take your studies seriously as well. I’ll have a word with Takeda-sensei if you’re worried about not being able to pull out.”

“No!” Kei says quickly, “No, I’ll ensure that both my studies and clubs will be equally balanced.”

“It’s not about balance, it’s about prioritizing one over the other,” Saeki-sensei says, sounding exasperated. “You have a lot of potential, don’t let it go to waste. The same goes for Yamaguchi-kun as well, and I hope the two of you will consider this very carefully.”

“Thank you Sensei,” Kei says as he bows and leaves the room.

Time’s passing fast, and there’s no way he can keep up. There are only a few months left before high school will end, and Kei must make decisions determining his future. It is terrifying, more so because there is another person that he considers crucial in his plans. He does not know where Tadashi will fit in his future, but he wants Tadashi to be there.

“Tsukki, is everything alright?” Tadashi says when he arrives at the gym. Kei plasters a smile on his face. “Yes,” he says, pushing his glasses on his face.

Tadashi still looks worried, and Kei goes closer to Tadashi, leaning his head on the other boy’s shoulder, inhaling deeply. He wonders if it’s too much, if it’s too obvious but right now he doesn’t care. Tadashi’s scent, wispy and floral, is comforting and the anxiety that Kei feels from contemplating the future is momentarily gone.

“I’m better now,” he says, pulling away before he loses control and does something unforgiving.

Tadashi’s red, his mouth falling open as he stares at Kei. “Al-alright,” Tadashi stutters, a habit he has when he’s nervous.

“Captain, it’s not fair if the vice-captain doesn’t run too!” a first year shouts, and Tadashi smiles as he pushes Kei gently towards the rest.

“Go on then, don’t disappoint them,” Tadashi says softly, and Kei does as he says. He’ll think about the future later, right now, he just wants to live in the moment, creating new memories with Tadashi.

 

* * *

 

**_If it weren’t for my friends, who helped me through these times when I struggled with myself— I don’t think I would have made it to today._ **

 

“Hitoka-chan,” Tadashi calls out when he sees her wandering the halls with a dazed smile on her face, “What’s going on?”

“Tadashi-kun!” Hitoka cries out, jumping over to him. She tugs him to follow her till they’re at the courtyard where there’s no one around. They sit on the bench overlooking their school landscape, shaded by a very old and large tree.

“You look absolutely happy,” he says, and Hitoka beams. “I am, I’m so very happy!” She clasps his hands and does a little jiggle, making him laugh.

“Kiyoko-chan has agreed to go out with me after I’ve graduated!” Hitoka says, and there are tears sliding down her face.

“Hitoka-chan!” Tadashi says alarmed, hands quickly pulled out from her grasp, and he holds her face, wiping away those tears. “Y-you— Why are you crying?”

“I’m just so happy,” Hitoka says, still sobbing. “And I can’t believe that she said yes, and I was so scared too! I was so scared she would hate me, and when she said yes— It’s like all those emotions that I’ve kept inside for so long just burst out like a dam!”

“Hitoka-chan,” he says softly, pulling her into a hug, and she continues crying, her tears soaking up his shirt. “I’m so happy for you.”

When her sniffles die down, he moves away. “Sorry Tadashi-kun, I’ve soaked your shirt,” she mumbles out, her face red.

“It’s alright,” he laughs. “It will dry.”

She grins at him, her face a cherry red. “It just feels so incredible, that she would like me back the same way.”

Hitoka turns to him then, face solemn. “I don’t want to make you sad or anything Tadashi-kun! If you want me to stop talking about this I will!”

His eyebrows arches up, “Why?”

“It’s just— You haven’t told Kei-kun too, and I don’t want you to feel sad that it hasn’t worked out for you yet!”

Tadashi has a wry smile on his face at her words. He sighs, “I’m fine Hitoka-chan, I’m really glad for you. That’s ridiculous, I would never be upset because of your happiness.” He flicks her forehead at that, and she laughs.

“Sorry, sorry! I just wanted to be sure of it,” she says, grinning.

“How do you do it?” he asks, “How do you find the courage to confess?” _Because I still can’t find it in myself to do so._

“A leap of faith,” Hitoka says quietly. “I have laid in my bed wondering for too long, I would dream of her, not even daydreams, but I thought about her so much that I actually have dreams of her. That’s when I knew, that if I didn’t do this, if I hadn’t taken a chance on us, I would regret it for the rest of my life.”

Tadashi sighs. Hitoka pokes him in his side. “I’m still afraid,” he says. “It doesn’t seem as though it’ll turn out alright if I tell him how I feel.”

“I’ve told you before, Kei-kun really cares for you Tadashi-kun!”

He shakes his head, “We’re best friends Hitoka-chan, of course he cares for me!”

“Not the way you think he does! When you’re all nice in front of the first-years and second-years, telling them what not to do and all, Kei-kun’s always behind you glaring at them.” Hitoka scrunches up her face, as if trying to imitate Kei’s glare. “And it’s as if he’s saying, ‘if you mess with the Captain, I’ll beat you up!’” she says in a gruff voice and Tadashi can’t help but crack up laughing.

She smiles sweetly. “He’s really protective of you, and he’s always around you Tadashi-kun! It’s like Shou-chan and Tobio-kun! I think he really does _like_ you,” she says, eyes sparkling.

“No,” he says, “I just— It’s just hard for me to believe that. I’m a coward, just like Noya-senpai said, I can’t,” he says, and he feels as if he’s a failure.

She gently takes his hand in hers, clasping them together. “It’s okay to be scared,” she says, stroking her thumb over his knuckles. It feels soothing, as if her warmth and happiness is slowly making their way to Tadashi, making him feel as if it really is okay.

“It’s okay to not do anything Tadashi-kun, just tell me whenever you’re upset okay? I’ll be there for you.”

It is perhaps the best thing to happen to him, to obtain Hitoka’s trust like this, ever since the day she overheard him speaking with Noya-senpai about Kei. He feels tears prickling his eyes and he surreptitiously wipes them away with his other hand.

“Y-yeah,” he says, and Tadashi quickly asks a question to change the subject. “Saeki-sensei has been hounding me on my career forms lately,” he tells her.

“Haven’t you filled it yet?” She looks at him curiously, and Tadashi sighs as he explains how he hasn’t decided on anything yet.

“Do you already have plans on what to do?” He asks Hitoka, half-expecting her to reply that she hasn’t decided yet as well, but her answer surprises him.

“Yes, I’ve decided to learn designing. I want to be a graphic designer like my mum. There are several universities in Tokyo that offer the course, and I want to go there because Kiyoko-chan’s there too, and well—” Hitoka blushes, but Tadashi knows that they probably have made plans to hang out often, or maybe to stay together as well.

He’s inexplicably jealous that Hitoka has it all planned out. “You’ve really got it all figured out,” he says.

“We don’t really have much time left, it’ll fly soon enough,” she says, sighing. “We have the Spring Tournament coming up in March, and after that— Interhigh preliminaries and the Spring High preliminaries.. Soon enough, it’ll be preparation for our academics, and I just want to make sure I know what I’m facing, so that I can take charge of it.”

Hitoka looks so determined, her gaze unwavering as she looks at Tadashi. It’s a far cry from the first time he met her, when she couldn’t look anyone in the eye for long without blushing and stammering.

They’ve changed, all of them, maturing. Even Hinata and Kageyama have plans for the future, and it involves staying together through it all. Tadashi doesn’t have any.

To ask Kei about his plans reminds him of the anxiety and fear he faced when they were choosing high schools. In the end Kei’s answer was all he needed. This isn’t the same as choosing the same high school. This will determine their life ahead. What is it that they want to do for the rest of their lives, where will they choose to settle down.. All these questions must be answered as soon as their third year ends, and Tadashi has none of the answers.

He doesn’t want to tag behind Kei forever, as if pulling him back with Tadashi’s insecurities and inability to decide. This time Tadashi has an inkling of what he wants to do, and he wonders if Kei’s path is the same as his, or if he wants something else entirely, and their lives will diverge from here on forth.

He doesn’t know what to do.

Her grip stabilizes Tadashi, as if anchoring him, and he squeezes her hand. Hitoka’s easy affection soothes him, and Tadashi breathes in deeply.

“Your scarf is really pretty Tadashi-kun,” she says, with a hint of amusement in her voice, and Tadashi feels a little better.

“Kei got it for me,” he says, fingers reaching out to touch the soft silky material.

“It’ll work out somehow,” Hitoka says as they both stare across the distance. “It might not be how you imagine it, but I feel as if it’ll be alright in the end.”

“I hope so,” Tadashi says, trying to smile despite the ache blossoming in his heart. An ache that reaches all the way to the tip of his fingers that holding onto hers so tightly, as if he can steal her warmth and happiness that way.

The bell rings, and they both jump, quickly hurrying to their classroom. These quiet days will soon come to an end, and Tadashi’s not looking forward to it at all.

 

* * *

 

**_As time passed, I was made aware of how we had changed through the years, and how much more important he had become to me._ **

 

In the heat of the moment, in the battles that they fight, time passes so quickly, and it’s time for the Spring High preliminaries already. Takeda-sensei has sat all of them down, telling them to make choices that they will not regret 5 or 10 years down the road as they choose to participate in the preliminaries.

Kei turns to look at Tadashi as they leave Takeda-sensei, and even without asking he knows that Tadashi will not back down. Tadashi appears bolder now, more sure in himself, more certain of the decisions he makes.

He hasn’t managed to ask Tadashi his plans for the future, not even after sending his own career form to Saeki-sensei. He has seen Tadashi’s form peeking out from a stack of papers but he hadn’t been brave enough to pull it out to read what it says.

It terrifies Kei somehow, to find that Tadashi’s stepping forward from his shadow, forging a path for himself. It’s as if Tadashi’s already preparing himself to move away, somewhere far where Kei can’t reach him, where Kei can’t stay alongside him.

Even though they haven’t stepped out of high school, it feels as if they’re both already breaking apart.

It’s a simple task, to ask Tadashi what his plans are, to ask what they could do to stay together, and yet.. Kei can’t bring himself to ask. He feels as if everything else would tumble out from his mouth, like butterflies that seek to fly free, unable to be contained in him anywhere, to release him from all that he feels when he’s near Tadashi.

Kei keeps his mouth shut, and he tries to prepare himself for the day when Tadashi no longer needs him. For the day Tadashi would leave him, and seek someone else to be with. One day Tadashi will settle down with a wonderful job where everyone loves him, he would have someone by his side, and he may even have children.

Kei can already see it, and the more he thinks of it, the longer he believes that he has no right to stop Tadashi from achieving his happiness by blurting out his foolish desires.

So he doesn’t ask, he makes plans of his own, and Kei simply cherishes the time with Tadashi right here, right now.

He placed his hand on Tadashi’s back, and they both decide to participate in the preliminaries, together, with the rest.

Now it’s their last time practicing with Tokyo’s best teams and Kei’s going to miss this place.

What he doesn’t miss is how Kuroo and Bokuto appears to have infiltrated the training session, and they’re bothering him as they always do. He appreciates their help in teaching him back then, but since then, they’ve only come to distract him during their practices.

“What are you doing here?” he says flatly. “Don’t you have classes to fail?”

“It’s the middle of the night Tsukki!” Bokuto says, clearly not getting what Kei means.

“Can’t we drop by to see our favorite teams battle it out?” Kuroo says, grinning. “Though the Trash Heap battle just isn’t the same without me is it?”

Kei grits his teeth and tries not to give in to the urge to strangle Kuroo.

“Tsukki!” Bokuto says and he’s as annoying as always. “Tsukki,” he whines, trying to get Kei’s attention.

“Tsukki, come on show us all your new improvement,” Kuroo says then, “Tsukki, come on, _come on_!”

He’s going to kill them, Kei’s preparing to throw the volleyball straight at their heads when someone else enters Gym 3.

“Tsukki,” Tadashi says, and he immediately turns to his captain.

“Yes?” he answers because only Tadashi gets to call him by that nickname.

“Oya oya?” _Oh god, they’ve started again._

“Oya oya oya!” They both have matching grins on their faces and Kei wants to punch them so fucking hard.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi says again, confused, and Kei loves that look on him but now’s not the time to get distracted.

“Yeah Tsukki, tell him what’s wrong,” Kuroo says slyly, and Kei’s going to kill him. Kuroo slings an arm around Kei, and Kei’s taller than the other guy now, but that doesn’t stop Kuroo from acting smug as hell all the time around him.

“Don’t touch me,” he snarls at Kuroo, but Kuroo merely laughs, ruffling Kei’s hair and pressing an extremely gross kiss on his cheek.

Tadashi looks at him stricken, a little horrified, and Kei quickly pushes Kuroo away roughly till the guy stumbles back and falls onto Bokuto.

“Right, I shouldn’t interrupt,” Tadashi says, and he’s already moving away, that look still on his face.

“Wait Tadashi!” Kei calls out, and he sticks out his middle finger at the two idiots before running after Tadashi.

They’re out in the same place where Tadashi had called out on Kei’s half-hearted attempts in volleyball when Tadashi finally turns to look at Kei.

“Do you like Kuroo?” Tadashi asks, and that’s fucking ridiculous.

“No! That’s..” _Gross._ Kei’s about to let that word slip out of his mouth but Tadashi looks troubled already.

“I don’t like him,” he says instead.

“Oh,” Tadashi smiles, and he looks better, relieved. Kei wonders if Tadashi has feelings for him, or if he’s just glad his best friend isn’t gay.

Kei wonders how that conversation will go, if he will ever reveal to Tadashi that the only one he likes, _loves_ , is Tadashi.

“What was it that you wanted?” Kei asks, as they walk together, under the moonlight and the stars. Tadashi’s features are beautifully illuminated by the dim lighting, and Kei’s trying to distract himself with the conversation so that he doesn’t just pull Tadashi to a corner to ravish him.

Tadashi makes a face, before laughing, and the sound of it is like an angel’s chorus. “You know what Tsukki? I’ve forgotten what it is that I’m supposed to tell you.”

Kei smiles, his hands reaching out to Tadashi, and he softly twirls Tadashi’s long hair around his fingers. “I’ll wait till you remember,” he says, not wanting this moment to end.

“Y-yeah,” Tadashi sounds breathless, and he’s flushed. “Come on Tsukki, we need to clean the gym that you were using before we leave the place,” he says, moving away and Kei lets his hand fall to his side. It feels as if Tadashi is slipping away from his grasp.

His fingers twitch.

“Ah,” he says, following right behind his captain.

_Tell me, what can I do, what must I do, to get you to stay?_

 

* * *

 

**_Time was running out, and at that time, all I knew was hopelessness, despair, the pain of unrequited love. I wanted nothing more to do with it._ **

 

“We should play truth and dare!” Hinata exclaims that night, and he’s still so full of energy despite having played so many games in the day with the other Tokyo teams.

They were playing card games with the other teams, and it was chaos when someone brought in Cards Against Humanity to play. One by one, those who were getting tired left. Now only a few of the first years remain along with most of the third years from various teams.

“Yes, that’s a good idea!” Lev says, and Tadashi’s about to put a stop to this.

“We should all go to bed,” he starts. Kei appears to want to make a move too.

“Tsukishima-senpai! Please don’t go, you still need to give me some tips!” one of their first year middle blocker exclaims.

“No,” Kei says shortly, “Not right now Furuya.”

“Aw, come on. Captain, make him tell me how to block spikes like the time he blocked Ushijima’s spikes! Captain’s the only one Tsukishima-senpai listens to,”He grins and winks at Tadashi, “Captain, come on!”

“Furuya,” he sighs, “Why don’t you ask Tsukki again tomorrow?”

“Yeah Furuya, let’s play the game already!” Hinata whines. Furuya pouts. “Fine, but Yamaguchi-san, please don’t forget about tomorrow!”

Before he’s able to continue answering his junior, the rest have started playing the game already and Lev’s the first victim. Kei grumpily settles himself back down beside Tadashi, sighing to show his displeasure at being made to stay longer for games.

It is nice though, to spend some time together with the rest just laughing as the night goes on.

“Eh! You have a crush on Yaku-san Lev?” Hinata says aloud, and Lev blushes.

“Next question!” he cries out, and when the bottle spins, it lands on Kei this time.

“Tsk, I’m not playing this game,” he says annoyed, and Tadashi stifles his laughter at the look on Kei’s face, as if he’d rather be anywhere than here.

“Come on Kei-kun, it’ll be fun!” Hitoka says cheerfully, and Kei relents to Tadashi’s amusement.

“I want to ask the question!” Lev cries out. “No, me!” Hinata says, scuffling with Lev, and the rest of them laugh at their excitement at digging something out of Kei. 

“Have you ever kissed anyone Tsukishima? Other than the time you and Yamaguchi accidentally kissed?” Hinata asks then, excitedly, and he gives a small glance at Tadashi.

Tadashi inwardly screams. Is Hinata trying to prove something? Is he trying to help Tadashi in some warped way? He doesn’t need this kind of intervention, and he’s thinking of a way to stop the game. At the same time, he’s morbidly curious as well. He doesn’t think that Kei’s kissed anyone else, right?

“He must have! He’s tall and popular!” Lev says, “Like me!”

Inuoka snorts. “The only person you’ve kissed is Yaku-san’s picture from that time,” he says, laughing at Lev’s indignant look.

“Yaku-san said I had to be a respectable adult first before he considers me seriously and I’m close to becoming an adult!” Lev scowls. 

“Hey, hey, I want to hear Tsukishima’s answer,” Hinata whines.

Kei frowns, and he agitatedly pushes up his glasses twice. Tadashi knows that particular habit of his surfaces only when he’s lying and he suddenly feels cold. His heart is going to overdrive, beating so fast, and his palms are sweaty.

“No,” Kei says irritably but Tadashi knows now that it’s a lie. Kei’s lying. Why?

Who did he kiss? Why hadn’t he told Tadashi? Does Kei have a girlfriend that he hasn’t introduced to Tadashi yet? Or is it Kuroo? Kuroo and Kei looks really close, and there was that kiss..

“You look really pale Tadashi,” Hitoka says, and she looks worried. Her eyes are pitying, and Tadashi knows that she suspects that he’s hurting inside.

“I’m fine,” he says and his smile is forced. He hopes no one else notices. The smile remains on his face but Tadashi knows he can never fool Kei. Kei’s staring at him, eyes narrowed.

“I’m fine,” he says again, just to assuage Kei’s worries. “Just feeling a little under the weather.”

“Maybe we should stop playing the game,” Hinata says then, catching on, and Tadashi shakes his head. “No, you go on, I’ll just go lie down for a while.”

“It’s late!” Kageyama says easily, “We should really rest.”

“Don’t be a spoilsport Tobio!” Hinata smacks his boyfriend on the head, and there’s a brief tussle there. Tadashi leaves while they’re at it.

Hitoka makes a move to go with Tadashi but he shakes his head minutely. He wants to be alone right now. He needs to be alone.

The other members are already asleep. He lies in his futon at a corner of the room, staring at the ceiling. Sleep won’t come easy, not when he feels as if his world has been rocked to the core. There are earthquakes of anguish rolling in him, waves of sorrow crashing onto one another, and there is no end in sight.

Kei enters the room then, and Tadashi wishes that he was already asleep by now.

He walks slowly to the corner where Tadashi is, moving carefully around the rest.

“Are you really okay?” Kei whispers, and he’s frowning. Tadashi wants to press that furrow between his eyes with his finger, making it go away. He wants to touch Kei’s face and tell him that everything’s okay, but he can’t.

All he wants right now is to shout and ask Kei who is it that he kissed, who is it that he liked enough to do that, and not tell Tadashi!

“Y-yeah,” he says instead, keeping them bottled up in him. He wonders if he had gotten Kei’s first kiss then, or if Kei had already kissed someone else by that time. Tadashi keeps thinking about Kei and Kuroo as well, and he hates himself right then for doing this to himself.

Kei lies in the futon placed next to Tadashi, and he’s so close, blinking sleepily at Tadashi. “If you don’t feel well, wake me up,” Kei says firmly, already half-asleep.

Tadashi closes his eyes, and the rest slowly enter the room, settling in around him. He can hear them start to snore as sleep takes hold of them. The night drags on. Tadashi lies in his futon, the unbearable despair overwhelming him. His hands clench onto his blanket. The tears drip down his face to the pillow, soaking it, and he cries. The sounds of his misery is stifled by the noise around him.

The agony that he feels laces through him with each thought of Kei loving another. He tries to push it aside, but it feels as though there is no longer any room in him to keep this desolation. There is no more room in his heart to keep feeling this way.He wonders what he should do so that Kei will like him just as much as Tadashi loves him.

He whips out his phone and he sends a message.

> **To:** Hitoka
> 
> _What do I do Hitoka-chan? I can’t seem to get over this love for Kei. I can’t do it anymore, I just— I’m so tired._

There is no reply, he doesn’t expect one. There is no answer to this question. Not one that can come from someone else. Tadashi has to decide, and time’s running out fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably the angstiest fic I've written so far. Please let me know what works and what doesn't work for you. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	7. was written in the stars

**_The secrets tore us apart. It broke me to pieces then, thinking that way. I couldn’t hold onto him, and it was devastating. If only— If only I had the courage to just hold him, to press myself against him, to hear his heartbeat— I would have known how we have loved each other from the start._ **

 

“Volleyball season is over now, time to concentrate on your studies Tsukishima,” Saeki-sensei says, smirking at him.

“Yes,” Kei says stiffly.

It _is_ over, and they had won. It had been amazing, standing there then, receiving the applause for their victory. It had felt as if everything had stopped to a standstill when the last point had been scored, and to be crowned first in their entire country—

Kei wants to relive the moment over and over again.

Despite that, reality is unforgiving, and Kei has to return to it. To the fact that his future is changing again, that his days will no longer be the same. He will have to focus on what’s to come now, there are no more distractions for him to direct his thoughts and energy to.

“Kageyama and Hinata have been scouted for their volleyball talents, but you have other plans, don’t you Tsukishima?” Sensei asks, and Kei nods. He does not intend to continue volleyball seriously, unlike the other two.

“I don’t think Yamaguchi has the same plans either,” Saeki-sensei mumbles, and Kei stiffens.

Tadashi has been acting differently around Kei. He has been more closed-off, his smiles a little more strained, and he seldom looks Kei in the eye now. There’s a disquiet that’s settling down in him, constantly clawing his insides, screaming doubts at Kei, making him unsure of his relationship with Tadashi. It’s making him upset, and Kei doesn’t know what to do. The unease eats at him the longer it goes on.

He places a hand on Tadashi’s shoulder only for the other boy to jump and quickly jerk away. When he sits beside Tadashi, he notices that there’s a distance between them that has never been there before.

“Tadashi,” he says, unable to take it anymore. He pulls Tadashi towards him when he notices the other boy starting to leave. He waits till the other students pack their things and leave, the two of them remaining in the empty classroom. The silence is unnerving and Kei feels as if the tension between them has never been higher.

“Study with me today.” It’s not unusual for them to study together, but they haven’t done it in a while, and Kei’s going to use this opportunity to find out what’s wrong.

He isn’t going to let Tadashi hide from him, not like this.

“Tsukki,” Tadashi says, and Kei sighs. “Kei,” Tadashi says then, “I don’t think I can today, I promised Hitoka-chan that I’ll study with her.”

“You’ve been studying a lot with her lately,” Kei says, trying hard to keep the irritation and anger from bleeding into his voice but from the way Tadashi flinches, it’s clear that Kei doesn’t succeed.

“Ye-yeah,” Tadashi stutters, _fuck_ , and now he’s clearly nervous around Kei enough that he’s fallen back to stuttering.

“Tadashi,” Kei says, and he gives up, he can’t do this anymore. “Why are you avoiding me?” he asks, fearing the worst. _Is this because you’ve found out that I love you and you find it disgusting?_ _Is this because you can’t accept me for who I am? Is this because you’re planning to leave me? Tell me—_

Tadashi stares at him, his eyes wide and glistening with unshed tears, his lips quivering. Kei has memorized his features and he knows each one of Tadashi’s expression. This isn’t an expression that he likes directed at him, and Kei’s heart clenches. It has become difficult to breathe.

The words that Tadashi says next, pierces Kei, breaking him into tiny little pieces that can never be mended anymore.

“I’m sorry Kei, but I think— I think I need some time to myself,” Tadashi says softly, his voice trembles. “I want to focus on my studies.”

“And you can’t focus when you’re with me? That you need to go to Hitoka?” Kei says, and he has never felt this way, as if the world has collapsed on him, a pressure that he can’t shake off.

He wants to shake the other boy that all of Tadashi’s secrets will come tumbling forth, so that Kei will finally understand what’s going on. Is Tadashi.. Is he in love with Hitoka? Is that why they’ve been talking so much ever since the Spring High preliminaries? He has heard of Hitoka being in love with someone, and he hadn’t thought it would be Tadashi.

It couldn’t be? _Could it?_

“Tell me, are you going out with her? Is that it? You’re throwing your best friend away like this?” It’s a foolish thing to say, to push Tadashi like this, but Kei needs to know why.

“You _are_ my best friend,” Tadashi says, and his smile is bittersweet, the tears finally dripping down his face. “And that’s why you need to let me be alone for a while Kei.”

“I don’t understand—” Kei starts and Tadashi interrupts him. “Just— I just need some time Kei, we’re still friends, that much won’t change, I know. All the best in your studies Kei, I need.. Just let me figure some things out please?”

How can Kei refuse Tadashi? All he wants right now is to hold Tadashi in his arms, wipe those tears away.

It feels like they’re two different people now, acquaintances that barely know anything about each other. “Tadashi,” Kei says softly, his voice breaking in the middle. He feels like crying too, at the look of despair on Tadashi’s face.

“I’m sorry Kei,” Tadashi says, and he pushes Kei away, leaving the room.

Kei doesn’t know how long he stands there, so very still, feeling as if his entire world has been torn apart, his heart shattered into pieces. The gaping hole in his life that has been filled by Tadashi—

It’s becoming bigger, it’s empty, and Kei feels hollow inside.

“Oi Tobio, hurry up! I can’t believe you forgot your book,” Hinata’s voice ring, echoing from the hallway, and Kei looks up abruptly to see Kageyama staring at him from the doorway.

“Tsukishima, what’s wrong?” Kageyama says, concerned, as he quickly goes to where Kei is. “Hey, are you okay?” He places one hand on Kei’s shoulder, and the tears come unbidden.

“Tobio, you’re in the wrong class…room,” Hinata trails off when he sees Kei. He’s by Kei’s side in seconds.

The duo exchange confused glances, both flailing as they wonder what to do. Kei feels like shit, that he’s actually allowing the tears to fall in front of others. It’s fucking ridiculous.

“Go away,” he says, trying to make himself sound annoyed or angry, but it just comes out as a wobble.

“Don’t be stupid,” Kageyama snaps, “We’re your friends, and we’re worried. Here, sit down.” Kageyama pulls a chair from a random desk, and Kei notes that it’s Gintoki’s desk, before he’s forced to sit.

“It’s the first time I’m seeing you cry,” Hinata says in a hushed voice, and Kei grits his teeth. It’s humiliating. It really is, but he can’t seem to stop his tears from falling down his face. He pulls off his glasses, leaving them to dangle loosely from his fingers.

He places one hand over his eyes, pressing down on his eyes. “Fuck,” he says, “This is fucking stupid.” Kei tilts his head back and tries to breathe through the grief.

Kageyama leans against the desk while Hinata sits on it. Kei wants to tell them to just leave again, but he knows they won’t. “That’s Gintoki’s desk,” he says bleakly.

“Is that what you really want to be thinking about right now? Is that what you want to talk about?” Hinata says exasperated.

“I have nothing to say,” Kei says, still staring at the ceiling. There’s nothing to do but count the number of light fixtures, the cracks in the wall.

Hinata’s phone chimes, and when he reads the message his eyebrows shoot up. “Looks like our study plan with Hitoka-chan’s cancelled Tobio,” he says to Kageyama.

Kageyama frowns, and Kei sees Hinata mouth something to him. “You’re studying with Hitoka too?”

“Sometimes,” Kageyama says after a brief pause. Hinata nods, not saying anything but the duo exchange glances again, some message passing between them both.

Kei hates how the two of them are always in sync, more so now than before. They seem to know what’s going on, and it saves Kei the trouble of explaining, not that he was going to in the first place.

What is this study group that they’re all going to? At the very least, it seems that Tadashi isn’t going to be alone with Hitoka. Jealousy rises up in Kei, an ugly bitter sensation that squeezes his heart, pricking his skin.

He exhales harshly, trying to chase the feeling away but it linger in the pit of his stomach, a fire that burns unpleasantly.

“Thanks,” he says, putting on his glasses and getting up. They hadn’t done anything but witness Kei’s shameful breakdown, but they did stay, and it had helped force Kei to stop crying so that he could escape the duo.

“Do you like Yamaguchi, Tsukishima?” Hinata says sharp, his gaze piercing.

The question is sudden, throwing Kei off-balanced. “What?” He frowns, unable to comprehend what’s going on. Why’s Hinata asking?

“Don’t interfere Shouyou,” Kageyama says, frowning. “It’s not our place.”

“But Yamaguchi clearly—” Hinata starts.

“Clearly?” _Hates me?_ Kei feels as if everyone knows something that he doesn’t. Like they know what Tadashi’s feeling, thinking, hurting about, and it devastates him.

“I— I like Tadashi,” he says softly, and it’s as if he’s whispering out a secret. Upon saying it out loud, something unfurls in him, a dead weight that’s suddenly disappearing and Kei feels lighter. It doesn’t stop the pain he’s been feeling since Tadashi left, but it brings relief that he doesn’t have to hide it anymore.

“We know,” Kageyama deadpans, and Kei glares at him. “ _How would you know,_ ” he hisses out, towering over Kageyama as the other boy’s still half-perched on the desk, “What would you know of the pain I’ve gone through, the anguish of loving him for so long? _You don’t know anything_.” Kei spits out, panting not because of the exhaustion that suddenly comes over him, but the anger that boils within him.

Kageyama just frowns, and somehow that makes Kei feel even angrier. He clenches his hands into fist, trying not to let himself reach out to violence.

Hinata’s the one that breaks the tension by sighing loudly. “You’re an idiot Kei,” he huffs, crossing his arms and glaring at Kei.

“You’re the idiot,” he snaps back childishly, resisting the urge to walk away right now, leaving them both behind.

Hinata sighs again, exasperated. “Tadashi likes you Kei, he thinks you don’t like him, that’s why he needs some time off.”

_What?_

It’s unbelievable, something that Kei hadn’t expected to hear from Hinata. He brushes it aside. It’s probably Hinata just trying to cheer him up in his own way.

“Right,” he says flatly.

“He does! Why would I lie about this!” Hinata cries out, angered by Kei’s lack of response, and Kageyama just snorts.

“I’m cashing it in for you,” Kageyama says and Kei stares at him, one eyebrow arched up. Hinata also looks at his boyfriend in confusion.

“Ah?” Kei doesn’t know what Kageyama’s planning, but that grin on his face is very suspicious.

“That favor I owe you, I’m cashing it in for you. We’ll prove that Tadashi likes you, how about it? Maybe even matchmake you both together,” Kageyama says, with that smile on his face that should really never be shown to anyone, ever.

“I don’t need idiots interfering,” Kei says, making a face. “Ridiculous. I can handle this.” He makes a move to the door, it’s late and he wants to get home to cry about this without others watching on. The ache in him hasn’t dissipated completely, and he still feels it pricking his heart.

Hinata grabs hold of his arm, and Kei lightly tries to shake the other boy off.

“Just one day,” Hinata says, and he’s grinning mischievously now too. “One day, and you’ll have Tadashi, our beloved Captain, to be yours.”

“If it doesn’t happen,” Kageyama interjects, “We’ll owe you for the rest of our lives, how about that?”

“This is fucking stupid,” Kei says, narrowing his eyes, “Like a bet for those who want to procrastinate from studying.”

“It isn’t going to hurt you by going out with us for one day, genius.” Hinata rolls his eyes, pouting, and Kei’s intrigued despite himself.

He does doubt the ingenuity of whatever plans the duo concocts, it’ll definitely end in flames, and Kei doesn’t want to be involved in the trouble they’ll bring. Yet again, what more can they do? It appears that his relationship, his friendship with Tadashi has been irrevocably changed, damaged beyond repair.

Whatever they do cannot be worst than the despair that Kei already feels. When they fail, Kei will have them on his beck and call and he’ll make them suffer then.

“Alright,” he says, ignoring Hinata’s fist pump, “Just one day.”

“You won’t regret it,” Kageyama says, grinning in that terrifying way of his. Hinata laughs. “Yeah, you definitely won’t regret it.”

Kei regrets his decision already.

 

* * *

 

**_And when we finally kiss— When we finally closed the distance between our hearts—_ **

 

His days are lonely without Kei, they’re cold and empty, but Tadashi wants to get used to it. He’s not brave like Noya-senpai or Hitoka-chan. He’s not strong despite what his okaa-san says. Tadashi’s running away. It’s perhaps a shock to his system, a realization that he will never be with Kei that causes him to do this now.

He hadn’t known that he had harbored a small wish within himself that Kei would one day come to see him as something more than a friend. It was a tiny hope flickering in him that would burn bright on some days when Kei just looks at him a little too long, eyes dark. This hope was doused with the cold waters of reality that night.

He has these recurrent dreams of kissing Kei. Oh Kei staring at him in surprise, and yet allows himself to be pulled down by Tadashi’s hand on the nape of his neck, as Tadashi kisses him. The dreams felt so real, and yet— Kei kissed someone else, Kei might actually like someone else. Someone who could never be Tadashi.

What was the point of longing for someone that could no longer be his? Tadashi has to get rid of all these emotions, these feelings that plagued him. He had to rid himself of these infatuations, this crush that needlessly hurts him everyday.

He has to go back to being Kei’s best friend. Just that, nothing more.

Seeing Kei everyday, being with him, had only prolonged Tadashi’s misery, and he wanted to remove them all before he faced Kei again. Despite that, it seems as though his plans only serves to make them both upset. He’s essentially cutting the bonds between them with his actions, but Tadashi can’t bring himself to regret it.

Perhaps this is what’s best for him.

Hitoka-chan is with him through the dark days, allowing him to cry in her arms, and she tells him not to give up, but Tadashi wants to. He’s so very tired of it all.

Hinata and Kageyama are supportive as well, and they’ve been a source of comfort to Tadashi. Today however, Tadashi feels as if they’re trying to hard to reconcile Tadashi along with Kei.

“Come on Yama-chan,” Hinata whines, actually using the nickname he’s given Tadashi a long time ago. It’s a sign. Hinata’s not going to give up till Tadashi agrees.

“Shou-kun, I don’t want to go to Tokyo,” he says firmly.

“It’s just a day trip,” Kageyama says, “Come on Yama-kun.” Great, even Kageyama’s in it.

“Kuroo and Kenma are going to bring us around, it’ll be fun!” Hinata says again, and Tadashi sighs.

“Please?” Hitoka says, tugging on his shirt sleeve, her eyes widened comically to mimic all those memes that she loves. “Fine,” he says, “Really, we should all be studying—”

“You’re saying the same thing as Tsukishima, bleh,” Hinata mutters, “Both of you are the top students in our school, and you still worry so much, I don’t under—“

Tadashi cuts him off. “Kei’s coming?” There’s a lump in his throat, and his heart has started to beat faster. He wants to see Kei, and yet, he also wants to run away.

“There he is,” Kageyama says, waving Kei over. Tadashi stands there, shocked into stillness, and Hitoka slips her hand into his, gripping it tight.

“Breathe Tadashi-kun,” she says kindly. “You can’t run away forever.”

“I can try,” he says, a little hysterical. He tries to calm himself down as Kei comes over. It feels like eternity since he’s last seen Kei even though it’s only been two weeks.

“Hey,” Kei says shortly, a small smile on his face. His eyes go to Tadashi for a brief moment, flickering to Tadashi’s hands clasping Hitoka’s, before Kei turns away.

“Let’s go then,” Kageyama says, hand on Kei’s back as they walk together to the station. Hinata’s probably the only exuberant one in their group. Hitoka’s quietly walking beside Tadashi, her presence soothing his frazzled nerves.

The journey there by train goes quicker than Tadashi expects. As there’s five of them, Kei’s the only one sitting alone, staring out the window. His seat is in front of Tadashi’s seat, and during the entire journey, he tries to keep his eyes focused on Kei’s hair instead of Kei’s reflection on the window. He’s wearing the earphones Tadashi got him for his birthday last year, and there is a melancholic air around Kei.

He misses Kei, he misses messaging Kei in the morning, and at night. He misses listening to Kei talk about his favorite bands. He misses going out to explore new cafes with Kei. He misses laughing over silly dramas on the telly with Kei, over the bland commentary Kei would do whenever they watch a silly show. He misses spending time with Kei just doing absolutely nothing but laze around in his room, listening to the music wafting out from his speakers as they lie on his bed together. He misses Kei so much and they’re so close now, but so far.

“Tadashi, we’ve arrived,” Hitoka says, abruptly pulling him from his thoughts and his eyes immediately seek for Kei. Kei’s already getting off the train with Hinata and Kageyama.

“Okay,” he says hoarsely, and stumbles out.

He barely notices Kenma greeting him and the rest. His eyes are drawn to Kuroo and Kei.

“Yo! Tsukki, looking like shit aren’t you?” Kuroo calls out, laughing at Kei’s expression.

“Is that how you usually greet others Kuroo-san?” Kei says, giving the other man a glare.

“Just for you Tsukki,” Kuroo says, grinning, slapping Kei on the back before slinging an arm around Kei.

The despair that Tadashi feels seem to increase at the sight, he didn’t think he could feel even more upset.

He plasters on a smile on his face. “Thank you for today Kuroo-san, Kenma-san,” he says politely.

“It’s alright, come on, no need to be so formal with us!” Kuroo says, laughing, and he’s still sticking so close to Kei. Tadashi tries not to let it affect him.

He has to be happy for Kei, he has to be a good friend. If Kei chooses Kuroo, it’s Tadashi’s loss for not confessing sooner, for not realizing the possibility that Kei might have liked boys like him. He has to accept it, and he will smile through it all.

“Someone else wanted to see you too,” Kenma says then, and they’re all curious as to who it is. Tadashi turns, and he gasps when he sees her.

“Hey everyone, it’s been a while,” Shimizu says, and Tadashi smiles a little more genuinely now. “Shimizu-san!”

“Kiyoko-chan!” Hitoka cries out, and she pulls away from Tadashi to run towards Shimizu. Tadashi blushes when the two girls start kissing each other with no regards to the stares of others around their group.

“Ohoho! Perhaps you should take this somewhere else Kiyoko-chan,” Kuroo says, laughing, finally pulling away from Kei.

“Sorry,” Shimizu says, and she looks flustered. Tadashi has never seen that look on her face before, and he wonders if this is how loving someone could change a person. Hitoka looks absolutely happy, and she’s sticking so close to Shimizu.

“So, where shall we start the tour?” Kuroo says, dragging them all out.

“Tokyo tower!” Hinata immediately shouts.

“Hitoka and I will be heading off,” Shimizu says then, and Tadashi startles. Hitoka looks surprised as well. “Eh, Kiyoko-chan?”

“I want to show you something,” Shimizu replies, pushing back Hitoka’s bangs behind her ear, and Hitoka blushes. “O-okay, b-but I promised Tadashi-kun—”

“It’s okay Hitoka-chan,” Tadashi says, making sure that he sounds carefree, that he isn’t afraid of being alone with Kei.

“Are you sure?” she asks, and he nods, “Of course it is!” He laughs it off, and the awkward atmosphere that had settled upon the group fades away. 

It’s unfair of Tadashi to stick so close to Hitoka when she clearly wants to spend the whole day with Kiyoko-san. He sends her off with a smile on his face, trying to ease her worries before she leaves.

“We’re going to have so much fun Yama-chan!” Hinata says, and Tadashi honestly doesn’t think he will, but he merely tilts his head to the side and say, “Yeah, I hope so!”

“We will!” Hinata insists.

Kei falls into step beside Tadashi, their arms occasionally brushing. The tension between them is palpable, and Tadashi feels completely helpless.

It’s a strange day, and he begins to suspect something’s up when he keeps ending up alone with Kei in all of the places that they’re visiting with the rest.

“Are they lost again?” Tadashi sighs when he finds himself with Kei, staring at a painting. “I didn’t think they would want to visit a museum,” Tadashi says aloud, trying to fill the silences between them both.

Kei laughs, and it’s a sound that Tadashi has dearly missed. It makes his heart warm, and he remembers then that this is why he’s been in love with Kei for so long.

“How are you?” Kei asks, and it feels terribly disturbing that Kei has to ask this of Tadashi.

“I— I’m fine,” Tadashi replies, unsure of what to say.

When was it that this started? This awkwardness between them both, the uncertainty of what to say.

“Ah, I see.” Is that all Kei’s going to say? The silence between them reigns on, till Kuroo appears again.

“Oi, there you both are, come on, they’re getting restless. Let’s head somewhere else. There’s a nice cafe nearby that I think you’ll enjoy,” Kuroo says, sauntering over.

He places a hand on Kei’s shoulder, and Tadashi has the irrational urge to hit it off as if Kei’s his possession. He turns away quickly, not wanting to see what he shouldn’t. He can hear Kei and Kuroo whispering behind him and Tadashi has the increasing desire to flee.

When they’re at the cafe, Tadashi has just settled himself down on the seat when Hinata gets up abruptly. “Eh, I see something there that I really want, come on Kenma, Tobio, let’s go check it out!”

Kuroo gets a sudden phone call that he needs to answer, and once again Tadashi finds himself alone again with Kei. He doesn’t make an effort to speak, instead he leisurely browses the menu.

“We always share a cake together,” Kei says, breaking the silence between them. “Shall we do so here?”

“What about Kuroo-san?” Tadashi asks, and it’s stupid of him to bring it up, so very foolish, but he’s feeling irritable now. The whole day has been a mess of emotions, and Tadashi feels so fed up of it all. It had been a mistake, agreeing to come here today.

“What about him?” Kei asks, as if he doesn’t understand. He frowns at Tadashi, and Tadashi glares back. “This is very uncool Kei, what are you trying to do?”

“I’m just trying to share a cake with you Tadashi,” Kei replies back hotly, and there’s a faint blush on his cheeks.

“Share it with whoever it is that you like Kei,” Tadashi says, his voice quickly rising in volume. “Like that person you kissed!”

“Is this still about that stupid night at the camp? That kissing question?” Kei says suddenly. “Is that what this has been all about? That you’re angry I lied to you?”

“So you admit it, you lied that night didn’t you?” Tadashi says, slamming the menu down. This is beyond unreasonable but now that he’s started, Tadashi can’t stop himself from blurting out his thoughts.

“I know you lied Kei, you do that thing with your glasses when you lie! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about it. Aren’t I your best friend?”

“Tadashi, I didn’t lie— I just—” Kei’s flustered, trying to think of some excuse to lie to Tadashi _again_.

“I can’t do this,” he says, getting up. “This whole trip has been a mess, I’m heading back home.”

“Tadashi—”

He doesn’t wait, and rushes out the cafe. It’s cooler in the evening, and Tadashi doesn’t know where to go but he follows the throng of people around him.

The buildings all reach up to the skies, roads bustling with life, and Tadashi stands there at the crossroads, unsure of what to do.

Someone tugs on his arm, and Tadashi turns, half-expecting it to be Kei.

“Hey! Yamaguchi! What are you doing here?” Kuroo asks, pulling Tadashi back from the oncoming traffic. “Weren’t you supposed to be at the cafe with Tsukki?”

Tadashi shakes his head, not wanting to speak. Kuroo looks at him, seemingly decided not to ask further questions, and he pulls Tadashi with him.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s sit here.” He leads them to a park, where they settle on a bench. Tadashi stares at the beautiful trees framing the sidewalks, and the flowers that are blooming, their scent wafting over to where he sits. Kuroo’s messaging someone, and he’s sure it’s Kei.

He doesn’t know how to face Kei after this, and it feels as if he’s done something terrible.

“Teach me how to kiss Kuroo-san,” Tadashi blurts out suddenly, and he blushes when he catches Kuroo staring at him. His mouth falls open, and he just watches Tadashi for a brief moment before he speaks.

“Won’t Tsukki get mad?”

“Why would he get mad?”

Kuroo stares again and Tadashi fidgets under his gaze. He bursts into laughter then. “I see,” he says simply and Tadashi doesn’t get what is it that he sees.

He frowns, words starting to form, to retract his request.

“Sure,” he says easily, and he leans towards Tadashi, one hand placed behind Tadashi’s head, gently pulling him close.

Kuroo’ hair falls and brushes Tadashi’s nose, making him want to sneeze, and he has one brief heart-stopping moment of regret when—

“What the fuck are you doing?” Tadashi jerks back before Kuroo has the time to place his lips on Tadashi.

“Kei!” he shouts when Kei pulls them both apart, before holding Kuroo by the collar, teeth bared in a snarl.

“Stop it, Kei!” he says again, tugging on his jacket. “What are you doing? Let him go!”

“What the fuck Kuroo,” Kei says, and he’s pissed.

Kuroo places his hands up placatingly. “Sorry,” he says, even though he doesn’t sound sorry at all. “Didn’t mean to intrude,” he says slyly.

“Shut up,” Kei hisses and Tadashi wonders why Kei’s so angry. “We’re leaving Tadashi,” he says then, grabbing Tadashi’s hand, pulling him away. Tadashi knows better than to argue when Kei’s fuming mad like this.

He turns back to mouth a _sorry_ at Kuroo, and he finds Kuroo grinning widely, saluting him, and mouthing _good luck_ in return.

Kei’s silent, walking them to another corner of the park where he must have come from. When they’re finally alone, Kei turns to Tadashi, forcing him to be pressed back against a tree.

“What were you thinking?” he shouts, his hands clenched into fists shaking by his sides. He glares at Tadashi, and Tadashi is unnerved by how mad Kei is.

“I just— I just wanted to know what a proper kiss is like!” Tadashi replies, and it’s a sorry excuse, a terrible one, but how could he possibly tell Kei that it’s because he wanted to know what was it about Kuroo that Kei liked?

“I’m sorry Kei, I shouldn’t have tried to kiss someone that you liked,” Tadashi says. It’s the only explanation for why Kei’s so angry at him.

“How are you so dense?” Kei grits out, and he’s shaking now.

He grabs Tadashi by the front of his shirt, pressing his lips against the other boy. Kei urges Tadashi to part his lips, and when he does, Kei slips his tongue in, deepening the kiss. Kei’s making greedy noises as he tries to consume Tadashi. It’s wet, so very hot and _slow_ ; Kei’s deliberate stroking the insides of his mouth, swirling his tongue around.

Tadashi moans, hands reaching to Kei’s back, gripping him tight. His weight against Tadashi is an anchor to the turbulent emotions that’s roaring within.

Kei’s hand is on Tadashi’s neck, broad and warm, and he smells so good, his sharp scent overpowering anything else in the park. It’s as if time has slowed down, the world morphing just to accommodate them both, clinging onto each other desperately, mouth just seeking one another, kisses after kisses shared between them both.

He’s trembling, the kiss making his knees weak, and it’s goes on for so long that Tadashi’s breathless. His chest hurts, the air in his lungs not enough, and the burn feels so good.

When Kei pulls away, he presses his forehead against Tadashi. “That’s what a kiss is like, idiot,” he says, his voice hoarse.

Tadashi can’t help but burst into laughter, and Kei laughs with him. When the laughter dies down, Kei looks at him, his eyes wide with a vulnerable glimmer in them, and there’s a shy smile on his face.

“I love you,” Kei says, and Tadashi feels as if he could burst from joy. “I love you Tadashi,” Kei says again, “And I’ve loved you for ages.”

“N-no,” Tadashi slips out.

Kei startles, moving back, “I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same way, I—”

“Shut up Kei,” Tadashi growls out, biting on Kei’s lower lip. When he pulls back, Kei’s looking at him with eyes that are filled with hope, and Tadashi doesn’t know how he’s been so blind all this time.

“I love you too, I love you Kei, I love you,” he repeats over and over again because it feels like absolution to say the words aloud, as if he’s finally been set free.

He places a hand on Kei’s cheek, “Let’s go home together Kei, I want— I want to tell you _everything._ ” 

 

* * *

 

**_In the end, we held each other close, not believing that it was true. How was it that we could not see how much we had loved each other from the very beginning? That every touch, every stray glance, every moment spent together— We had longed for one another. We were screaming to be completed, but we only had to reach out to find what we were missing._ **

 

They spill their secrets to one another, lying side by side on Kei’s bed, late into the night.

Kei would breathe out, only for Tadashi to breathe in, and he could feel the rise and fall of the other boy’s chest with his own. His hands trail down Tadashi’s back, savoring the feel of the strong muscles under his palm. He longed to map the constellations of moles on Tadashi’s back with his tongue, but Kei holds himself back for now, choosing instead to kiss each mark on the other boy’s face. Slowly, carefully, savoring every moment.

Kei is rewarded with Tadashi’s beautiful smile, the soft sounds of his sighs as he tilts his head to the side so that Kei can continue lavishing his neck with kisses.

When they’ve exhausted themselves, the steady thrumming of contentment filling them both, they sleep pressed together so closely, legs intertwining, their hands tightly holding one another.

Kei wakes up with a beautiful view of sunlight falling across Tadashi’s face, illuminating it, bringing out the arch of his cheeks with the smattering of freckles across it. His hair fans across Kei’s pillow, framing his face, and Kei continues to gaze at Tadashi till his eyes flutter open.

“Mornin’ Kei,” Tadashi slurs out, his voice wrecked by sleep. His brown eyes sparkled with warmth, and when Tadashi smiles, eyes half lidded, creasing at the sides; Kei feels shivers running down his spine.

He gulps down the lump in his throat, inhaling deep to overcome the sudden breathlessness that he feels.

“Follow me to Tokyo,” Kei says, and he’s afraid that Tadashi’s going to say no. Despite them talking through the night about this new aspect of their relationship, they have yet to broach the topic on their future, and Kei’s still frightened by it. 

Tadashi just smiles even more widely at him, eyes so bright, and Kei’s lost in them. “I already planned to,” he says softly, pressing a chaste kiss on Kei’s lips.

“Good. That’s.. Good,” Kei breathes. He holds up Tadashi’s hand, laying a kiss upon it. “I need you with me,” he says.

Tadashi blushes, and he looks vulnerable. He touches Kei’s face gently with the tip of his fingers. “I still can’t believe it,” he says softly, “That this is really happening.”

“Me too,” Kei admits. “But I’m glad. I’m glad you’re here now. With me.”

Tadashi beams, and the sound of his laughter chases away years of sorrow— Of anger—Hidden away. He fills the emptiness within Kei and he is whole once more.

“Stay with me,” Kei says, his voice trembling, “For the rest of our lives.”

“Yes,” Tadashi says, his hand slipping to Kei’s neck, warm against his skin. He presses himself close, so that Kei can feel his heartbeat beating in time with Kei’s own heart.

“Of course. Always, Kei. I— I love you.” Tadashi closes his eyes, and there’s a tear that falls down his face. “ _Oh_ , to say it, after all this time—”Kei kisses Tadashi’s tears away, before slotting his mouth over the other boy’s lips, greedily taking it all, wanting to taste Tadashi, wanting everything that he has to give.

“And now you don’t have to hurt over it anymore, I won’t let you feel that way ever again,” Kei says, narrowing his eyes. He pushes himself up on his elbows, leaning over Tadashi, hands by the side of the other boy’s face, staring down at him. “I love you Tadashi,” he says again, “I love you.”

Tadashi giggles, looping his arms around Kei’s neck. “For the rest of our lives Kei?”

“Yes,” Kei laughs along with him, “Tokyo’s our next adventure together Tadashi.”

“I can’t wait,” Tadashi replies, and there’s nothing more beautiful than to know that Kei would have Tadashi by his side, lighting up his life, through the thick and thin, to the end.

 

* * *

 

**_There is nothing else in the world that can compare to this— To know that the one I love, loved me back. That our feelings, our hearts, were actually one._ **

 

The Sun and Moon represents two halves that complete one another, that's what they say. Tadashi had thought so too, that Kei would one day find his Sun, leaving him behind. Despite that, it isn't so for them. 

Kei’s the Moon, Tadashi’s the Stars. They’ll always revolve around one another.

It's good that Tadashi's not the Sun, because the Sun is unable to be with the Moon. The Sun sets when the Moon rises, never touching, never meeting one another.

The Stars are the ones that remain by the Moon’s side. He’s the one that will always stay with Kei, and that’s the only thing he wants in this world.

 

* * *

 

**_And our love story—_ **

**_It ends with happiness._ **

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

> _“Moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars.”_
> 
> **\- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Art for the kissing scene is by[Natsu](http://natsubutart.tumblr.com/).** She's an amazing artist. Please go commission her! Her art is beautiful! 
> 
>  
> 
>   
> **Reblog the art for this fic[here!](http://natsubutart.tumblr.com/post/140864283064)**  
>   
> 
> Also, this is the end of the story! Next chapter will be a few short scenes of what happens after this story. Kind of like time stamps and omakes. I hope you enjoyed reading it, I honestly loved writing this fic a lot. A lot of scenes of tragic pining happened to me too, and to write it all down was rather cathartic. I imagine a lot of us would have gone through this sort of pining, only we wouldn't all have had our happy endings. 
> 
> Thankfully, these two will have their happy ending, and I love them so much! I really, absolutely hoped you liked reading it @tardistype221b! Also, to my other readers, thank you! 
> 
> Thank you for your kudos, comments, bookmarks! They mean a lot to me. 
> 
> I'm [@singasongofstars](http://singasongofstars.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, and my writing blog is [@nicolet-writes](http://nicolet-writes.tumblr.com/). Come say hi!


	8. Omake

“Kuroo-san!” Shouyou calls out, and Kuroo waves at them. “What was that about?”

“I timed it perfectly didn’t I?” Kuroo says, waggling his eyebrows. “Messaged Tsukki the place, and I had to tease Yamaguchi a little.”

“You were trying to make Tsukishima jealous,” Tobio says, and Shouyou gets it now. “ _Oh!_ So that’s what you were doing!”

He places his hands on his hips, cocking them to one side. “I thought you were making a move on Yama-chan!”

“He is very cute,” Kuroo says, laughing, and that grin of his is very sly. “Certainly my type.”

“Hey, don’t you dare hit on Yama-chan! I’ll protect my Captain!” Shouyou cries out, enraged.

Kenma glares at Kuroo. “Tetsurou,” he says warningly and Shouyou’s pleased to see that Kuroo snaps his mouth shut and pouts.

Tobio sighs, tugging on him. “Come on, let’s go.”

“We should see if they’ve actually made up,” Kuroo suggests and Shouyou jumps at that idea.

“Yes!” he says, and gives Kuroo a high-five. “We should totally do that!”

“Shouyou, you’re invading their privacy that way,” Kenma says disapprovingly, eye narrowed.

“Come on, just for a while!” Shouyou whines. He exaggerates his pout, making sure to widen his eyes so that they give in.

Tobio pinches the bridge of his nose. “Fine, come on. Just to check and then we’re going off for dinner.”

Kuroo slings his arm around Kenma, pressing a kiss on top of his head.

They wander around the park till they catch a glimpse of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, and they quickly hide behind the trees and bushes.

“They’re kissing!” Shouyou whispers, “Yes!”

He shares a high-five with Tobio.

> **To:** Hitoka-chan
> 
> _Our plan has succeeded!!!!_ (≧∇≦*)
> 
> **From:** Hitoka-chan
> 
> _Yay! Finally!_ ♡✧( ु•⌄• )

“Do you think they’ll notice if I take a few pictures,” Shouyou whispers to Kenma.

Kenma looks horrified, as red as a tomato, “Shouyou that’s a very bad idea..”

“It’s a brilliant idea!” Kuroo insists, cackling with laughter at the scene in front of them.

“Don’t listen to him,” Tobio says, and Shouyou makes a face.

“Look! They’re leaving already!” Shouyou cries out, and it’s far too loud. Tobio and Kenma shushes him and Shouyou slaps his hands over his mouth.

> **From:** Glasses Meanie
> 
> _We’re going back. …. Thanks._

Shouyou’s eyes widen at the message. He shoves his phone at Tobio’s face. “Look, he said thanks!”

Another message causes his phone to chime then.

> **From:** Glasses Meanie
> 
> _I can hear you, idiots. Tell Kuroo I’m sorry, and thanks, but if he does that again I’ll kill him._

“Brat,” Kuroo says fondly, laughing. “Well, looks like they have plans that don’t include us. Come on Kiyoko-chan and Hitoka-chan’s waiting for us to have dinner together.”

“I can’t believe you planned a Tokyo trip just to matchmake them both Shouyou,” Kenma grumbles.

“But they were so dumb! Apparently cause Tsukishima loves sweet things, and Yama-chan likes to try coffee, they kept going to cafes together! They kept going to dates that weren’t dates, and all of us thought they were dating already!” Shouyou whines. “It was so frustrating to see them act that way around each other!”

“It took us a long time to get over the childhood friends part too Kenma,” Kuroo mutters, his cheeks tinted red.

“Y-yeah,” Kenma blushes and Shouyou hugs his friend, laughing. “Everyone has a happy ending!”

Kenma sighs, patting him on the head before Shouyou releases him to bounce over to where Tobio looks at him with that soft smile on his face. “Including us,” he whispers, standing on his tiptoes to give Tobio a quick kiss.

> **From:** Yama-chan
> 
> _Thank you for today Shouyou, I suppose I have you and Tobio to thank for all the moments you left me and Kei alone, don’t I? Thank you so much._ (✿◠‿◠)

Shouyou hums, “You know who we should matchmake next? Lev and Yaku-san!”

Kuroo laughs uproariously. “Good luck on that one shrimpy. It’s like trying to put a house kitten and a tiger together, and Lev’s the kitten.”

“You’ll never know till you try,” Shouyou grins, already planning out the details. Tobio just sighs, not even trying to dissuade his boyfriend, but Tobio’s probably thinking about watching the reruns of the Olympic Volleyball matches.

Shouyou pockets his phone, slipping his hand into Tobio’s. His next project has been decided, and he’s going to make sure Lev gets his happy ending too.

 

* * *

 

“What is it?” Kei asks, “You’re smiling so hard.”

Tadashi grins, pocketing his phone. “Hitoka-chan’s first kiss with Shimizu-san and she’s all excited about it, it’s adorable.”

They sit close together, arms touching one another, on their new sofa in their new apartment. Tadashi feels so content.

He hums thoughtfully. “That reminds me, you still won’t tell me who you had your first kiss with?” Tadashi turns to look at Kei with an eyebrow raised, and he’s not as affected by it anymore now, simply curious.

Kei abruptly blushes, and he can’t hide by rubbing his glasses furiously as he’s wearing contacts today. He mumbles something out, and Tadashi strains to catch it the words.

“What?” Tadashi says, frowning.

“I said— My first kiss was with you!” Kei bursts out, shying away from Tadashi.

Tadashi is confused now. “The accidental kiss? That doesn’t really count, does it?”

“No— It’s..” Kei seems to be struggling with his words, and it amuses Tadashi. He waits till Kei calms down and continues, “You were at my place, and we were studying. It was during our second year in Karasuno. You were sleepy, and I told you to sleep on my bed, remember?” Kei pauses and looks at Tadashi. He’s bright red everywhere, to the tip of his ears.

“Y-yeah, I vaguely remember?” There had been so many study sessions with Kei, Tadashi couldn’t possibly remember which one this was.

“You were asleep on my bed and I kissed you,” Kei mutters, “And then you woke up! You pulled me for another kiss, and you fell back asleep again.” Kei looks away, and the back of his neck is red too.

Tadashi stares at him before bursting out in laughter. “I can’t believe it,” he says, wiping away the tears from the laughter.

“I’ve had dreams of having kissed you!”

Kei turns to him in surprise. “You remember?”

“Well, no, not really. It’s just some sort of hazy dream? Turns out it was just a memory.” Tadashi smiles, and he tugs on Kei’s shirt.

“You’re so cute when you’re shy,” he says teasingly. Kei really does look adorable, hair in disarray, face red. Tadashi just wants to kiss him.

Kei turns suddenly, pushing Tadashi down the sofa, pressing himself against the other man. He grins sharply, “We haven’t managed to break in this new sofa yet in our new apartment..”

“Oh? And what do you suggest Tsukishima-san?” Tadashi asks, feigning ignorance, arching up his eyebrows as he caresses Kei’s cheeks.

Kei nips at his fingers, eyes dark with lust. He closes the distance between them, kissing Kei slowly. Kei pulls away, nuzzling at Tadashi to whisper, “Yamaguchi-san, I have plenty of ideas…”

Tadashi laughs. Exhilaration and joy infusing him. His cheeks hurt from smiling so widely. “I love you Kei,” he says, and there’s no better response than another kiss, bodies pressed together, breathless.

Gentle touches, and the press of lips on skin, fingers tracing the arch of his neck.

Legs intertwined, arms interlocked, and a sigh.

To a beautiful beginning, an ending, all at once, together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few extra scenes featuring some of my fave characters! I'd really like to expand on Hitoka's and Kiyoko's relationship. Oh, maybe one day! 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this fluffy chapter, a break from all the angst haha.
> 
> **Reblog art[here](http://nicolet-writes.tumblr.com/post/141285311509/written-in-the-stars)!**


	9. Playlist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, while writing this fic I listened to a few songs on loop! I've decided to just include them in the very last chapter. I'm not sure if this link works, and I couldn't put the songs up on 8tracks. So check this [link](https://play.spotify.com/user/12157099742/playlist/6GWS8TuA7TtsLeFAVZ3cSA) out to reach Spotify. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I certainly hope you enjoyed the journey, as much as I enjoyed writing it.

 

> **White Blood - Oh Wonder**
> 
>  
> 
> _I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go_
> 
> _Can't do it alone, can't do it alone_
> 
> _I'm ready to run through the heat of the sun_
> 
> _Can't do it alone, can't do it alone_
> 
>  
> 
> _I'm ready to fall, so tired of it all_
> 
> _Down deep in a hole, can't do it alone_
> 
> _I'm ready to climb this mountain inside_
> 
> _Impossible heights_
> 
>  
> 
> _Said you'd always be my white blood_
> 
> _Circulate the right love_
> 
> _Giving me your white blood_
> 
> _I need you right here with me_
> 
>  
> 
> _Said you'd always be my white blood_
> 
> _Elevate my soul above_
> 
> _Giving me your white blood_
> 
> _I need you right here with me_
> 
> _Here with me_

 

“Y-yeah,” he says, coughing a little to mask the gruffness of his voice. “You’re going to Karasuno too aren’t you?” he asks then, because Kei needs to be sure. This is important.

“Of course Tsukki!” Yamaguchi says, no hesitation at all, and he smiles. Kei feels a smile of his own threatening to bloom on his face, so he places a hand over his mouth, pretending to cough again.

“Good.” Yamaguchi’s going to stay by his side a little longer, and that’s.. That’s important.

“I like staying by your side,” he says smiling, and his eyes close with the action, showing long lashes fanning over his freckled cheeks.

Kei feels something akin to happiness lighting him up inside, and he tries hard not to fidget, but he can’t stop the blush that takes hold of his face.

 

* * *

 

> **I Want To Love You - Lenachka**
> 
>  
> 
> _You've never been..._
> 
> _The one to be_
> 
> _The one to wear what you feel on your sleeve_
> 
> _If I'm the same, then how could we_
> 
> _Get to the place we both know where we need to be_
> 
> _I let my heart come undone_
> 
> _Hold out to me before I turn into one_
> 
> _I want to love you_

 

Tsukki has been acting strange, and with each gentle touch, he pushes Tadashi away even more. Each time he places a hand on Tsukki’s shoulder, the other boy shrugs it off. Every time he places a hand on Tsukki’s back, Tsukki jerks away, refusing to look at Tadashi. There are times when Tsukki would purposely avoid talking to Tadashi, not looking his way despite them both being in the same class. Their walks back have been strained, rife with tension and Tadashi gets even more upset with each passing day.

Tadashi wonders if Tsukki knows the truth about him. It seems evident by the way that Tsukki tries to avoid Tadashi now. It hurts so much.

Tadashi cries at night when he thinks of how much he loves Tsukki. How much he wants to hold his hand, kiss him on the lips and go out with him everywhere. It is devastating and painful, because he knows it can never be.

He tries not to let it affect his relationship with Tsukki, because even if Tadashi could never be with Tsukki that way, he would always be Tsukki’s friend. Their friendship is something that he will cherish, something that he will continue fighting for. He won’t let this ruin what he has with Tsukki.

Tadashi buries his emotions deep within, pretending that all is well between the both of them, and he tries even harder to be a ‘friend’, someone who doesn’t have any inappropriate feelings for Tsukki. The suspicion Tsukki must have had of Tadashi being gay probably went away, because as Tadashi pretends to smile and laugh each day, despite the misery he feels inside, Tsukki eventually starts interacting with Tadashi normally again.

Tsukki doesn’t flinch when Tadashi touches him anymore, and Tadashi resolves never to make Tsukki feel so disgusted with his presence anymore.

 

* * *

 

> **All We Do - Oh Wonder**
> 
>  
> 
> _All we do is hide away_
> 
> _All we do is chase the day_
> 
> _All we do is lie and wait_
> 
> _All we do is feel the fade_
> 
>  
> 
> _All we do is play it safe_
> 
> _All we do is live inside a cage_
> 
>  
> 
> _I've been upside down_
> 
> _I don't wanna be the right way round_
> 
> _Can't find paradise on the ground_
> 
>  
> 
> _All I did was fail today_
> 
> _All I wanna be is whites in waves_
> 
> _All I did was fail today_
> 
> _All we do, all we do_

 

“I can’t do this. I can’t take the thought of confessing to Tsukki, and having him glare at me. He’ll call me pathetic, he’ll have that sneer on his face, and hatred in his eyes. He won’t let me touch him anymore, even if it’s just to pat him on the shoulder. He’ll push me away, and the thought of it—”

Tadashi pauses, and he watches his shaking hands, before clenching them into fists by his side.

“It terrifies me,” he says. “We won’t be able to walk home together anymore because it would be awkward. We can’t even talk as we always do because Tsukki will always think about the time I confessed to him. Everything would change.”

 

* * *

 

> **Livewire - Oh Wonder**
> 
>  
> 
> _Oh won't you be my livewire?_
> 
> _Make me feel like I'm set on fire_
> 
> _Your love will take me higher and higher_
> 
> _Oh won't you be my livewire, my livewire?_
> 
>  
> 
> _I've been pretending all my shots are blown_
> 
> _Cover my heart up never let it show_
> 
> _I'm shaking it off to find a higher low_
> 
> _So heavy the water_
> 
> _Oh so heavy the water falling..._

 

Tadashi hates his freckles, but Kei finds them beautiful, scattering across his cheeks like stars. Tadashi has a lot of moles as well, and they seem to form constellations on his back. Kei wants to trace them all up with his tongue. He stares at Tadashi’s back whenever they change together, and Kei always turns away swiftly before Tadashi catches him staring.

Tadashi’s beautiful, and Kei can’t help himself from feasting his eyes.

As they walk back together, Kei loves looking at the sunset lighting up Tadashi’s features that everything about him seems to be cast in equal amounts of light and shadow, enhancing his sharp cheekbones, the freckles on his skin, his wide eyes, and long lashes. The brown of his eyes are darker at this time of day, like melted chocolate.

He’s beautiful.

 

* * *

  

> **I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie**
> 
>  
> 
> _Love of mine, some day you will die_
> 
> _But I'll be close behind_
> 
> _I'll follow you into the dark_
> 
> _No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white_
> 
> _Just our hands clasped so tight_
> 
> _Waiting for the hint of a spark_

 

Time’s passing fast, and there’s no way he can keep up. There are only a few months left before high school will end, and Kei must make decisions determining his future. It is terrifying, more so because there is another person that he considers crucial in his plans. He does not know where Tadashi will fit in his future, but he wants Tadashi to be there.

 

* * *

 

> **The Rain - Oh Wonder**
> 
>  
> 
> _Ever since the rain I’ve been waking on my own_
> 
> _Left an empty space in a home we built to grow_
> 
> _Watching waves at night I fell into the blue_
> 
> _I guess I lost the light, now I’ve given all my love to you_

 

How is it that everyone thinks they’re together, that Tadashi should confess? Can’t they see how terrifying it is? How utterly impossible it is?

He’s jealous of the easy love Hinata has with Kageyama. He’s jealous of Noya-senpai’s confidence to tell Asahi-san how he feels, and how Asahi-san accepted them. He’s jealous of how they have absolutely nothing to lose.

Tadashi has everything to lose, because Kei’s.. Kei is his everything.

 

* * *

 

> **Without You - Oh Wonder**
> 
>  
> 
> _That I've been out of my mind_
> 
> _This slow life I'm waiting for you_
> 
> _To swing me all of your line_
> 
> _Do you know?_
> 
>  
> 
> _Since I've been walking solo_
> 
> _Dreaming you were back home_
> 
> _I find getting down low_
> 
> _Hide until tomorrow_
> 
>  
> 
> _Come back into the good life_
> 
> _Lose these hazy love lies_
> 
> _I've been chasing my mind_
> 
> _Lonely in the cold nights_
> 
>  
> 
> _Cause I'm kicking up stones without you_
> 
> _Can't pick up the phone without you_
> 
> _I'm a little bit lost without you_
> 
> _Without you_
> 
>  
> 
> _And I'm digging down holes without you_
> 
> _Can't be on my own without you_
> 
> _I'm a little bit lost without you_
> 
> _Without you_

 

His feelings for Tadashi has evolved, increased, over the last few months, and it’s as though it cannot be contained anymore. Each and every day, his heart fills with the overwhelming joy from being with Tadashi.

Each time he’s apart, there’s the hollowness that comes over him.

Kei lies in his bed at night, unable to sleep because his thoughts are filled with Tadashi, and when he does fall asleep, his dreams are of freckles scattering across cheeks like stars, moles forming constellations on a smooth back, long lean lines of muscle that form beautiful thighs, and a smile that melts Kei’s insides every time it shines his way.

He decides then, that enough is enough, Kei won’t allow himself to suffer like this. He will confess, and he will accept whatever Tadashi’s decision might be. There are many scenarios that could occur should Kei choose to confess.

Kei’s manipulative enough that he knows, even if Tadashi doesn’t feel the same way, Tadashi would not leave Kei alone. Not when their lives are so intertwined for years now. Tadashi would probably apologize, mildly uncomfortable at the thought that his best friend has been in love with him for so long. And yet, Tadashi would still follow Kei around, perhaps to show his support, to be a good friend. Tadashi has always been far too kind, too nice, unlike Kei.

If Kei were to push Tadashi, even if Tadashi does not share the same feelings, he might be able to coerce Tadashi into having a relationship with him. Despite that, it would a relationship of lies, and the thought of doing such a thing to Tadashi.. Kei’s disgusting, he’s scum for even thinking of this.

The last option would be Tadashi feeling the same way as Kei, and that feels like a dream that would never come true.

 

* * *

 

> **Heart Hope - Oh Wonder**
> 
>  
> 
> _And I know we need a little heart hope_
> 
> _I know we've gotta outgrow and feel a little heart hope_
> 
> _Cause there is something more than everything_
> 
> _So feel the love and let it in_
> 
> _Cause I know we need a little heart hope_

 

Kei comes closer, settling himself beside Tadashi again and he leans his weight against the other boy. Kei closes his eyes, and Tadashi keeps himself still.

Kei’s eyes are still closed when he smiles. “We match,” he says in a soft voice, and it causes Tadashi to feel a surge of joy, of something settling deep within him, giving him peace.

“Thank you Kei,” he whispers, closing his eyes, and letting his other senses take hold. Kei smells like cinnamon, sharp and spicy, and it fills his senses. He’s so warm, huddled against Tadashi like this. Tadashi’s hand twitch on his thigh, and he can feel Kei’s hands just beside his. If he reaches out a little, he could intertwine their fingers together, and he would brush Kei’s knuckles with his thumb, memorizing each cut and bump.

They sit like that for ages, their arms and thighs pressing against each other, their hands just beside one another, Kei laying his head on Tadashi’s shoulder. They sit there, and they just breathe, sharing the air between them till Kei’s okaa-san calls them down for dinner. It’s the happiest Tadashi has been for months, years.

_I love you Kei, I love you so much._

 

* * *

  

> **Talk Me Down - Troye Sivan**
> 
>  
> 
> _I wanna sleep next to you_
> 
> _But that's all I wanna do right now_
> 
> _So come over now and talk me down_
> 
>  
> 
> _I wanna hold hands with you_
> 
> _But that's all I wanna do right now_
> 
> _And I wanna get close to you_

 

Tadashi closes his eyes, and the rest slowly enter the room, settling in around him. He can hear them start to snore as sleep takes hold of them. The night drags on. Tadashi lies in his futon, the unbearable despair overwhelming him. His hands clench onto his blanket. The tears drip down his face to the pillow, soaking it, and he cries. The sounds of his misery is stifled by the noise around him.

The agony that he feels laces through him with each thought of Kei loving another. He tries to push it aside, but it feels as though there is no longer any room in him to keep this desolation. There is no more room in his heart to keep feeling this way.He wonders what he should do so that Kei will like him just as much as Tadashi loves him.

 

* * *

 

> **Lost Boy - Troye Sivan**
> 
>  
> 
> _As the smile fell from your face, I fell with it_
> 
> _Our faces blue_
> 
> _There's a heart stain on the carpet_
> 
> _I left it, I left it with you_

 

How can Kei refuse Tadashi? All he wants right now is to hold Tadashi in his arms, wipe those tears away.

It feels like they’re two different people now, acquaintances that barely know anything about each other. “Tadashi,” Kei says softly, his voice breaking in the middle. He feels like crying too, at the look of despair on Tadashi’s face.

“I’m sorry Kei,” Tadashi says, and he pushes Kei away, leaving the room.

Kei doesn’t know how long he stands there, so very still, feeling as if his entire world has been torn apart, his heart shattered into pieces. The gaping hole in his life that has been filled by Tadashi—

It’s becoming bigger, it’s empty, and Kei feels hollow inside.

 

* * *

  

> **For Love - The Sam Willows**
> 
>  
> 
> _Too many paper-shaped stars_
> 
> _Falling out of broken jars_
> 
> _Too many unforsaken scars_
> 
> _If it hurts bleed it out on this guitar_
> 
> _You build your glasshouse round your heart,_
> 
> _like a work of art_
> 
> _Break it and we’ll never be apart_
> 
> _Are you even gonna try to reach me_
> 
> _Is this how it’s gonna end_

 

His days are lonely without Kei, they’re cold and empty, but Tadashi wants to get used to it. He’s not brave like Noya-senpai or Hitoka-chan. He’s not strong despite what his okaa-san says. Tadashi’s running away. It’s perhaps a shock to his system, a realization that he will never be with Kei that causes him to do this now.

He hadn’t known that he had harbored a small wish within himself that Kei would one day come to see him as something more than a friend. It was a tiny hope flickering in him that would burn bright on some days when Kei just looks at him a little too long, eyes dark. This hope was doused with the cold waters of reality that night.

He has these recurrent dreams of kissing Kei. Oh Kei staring at him in surprise, and yet allows himself to be pulled down by Tadashi’s hand on the nape of his neck, as Tadashi kisses him. The dreams felt so real, and yet— Kei kissed someone else, Kei might actually like someone else. Someone who could never be Tadashi.

What was the point of longing for someone that could no longer be his? Tadashi has to get rid of all these emotions, these feelings that plagued him. He had to rid himself of these infatuations, this crush that needlessly hurts him everyday.

He has to go back to being Kei’s best friend. Just that, nothing more.

 

* * *

  

> **Youth - Troye Sivan**
> 
>  
> 
> _And when the lights start flashing like a photo booth_
> 
> _And the stars exploding_
> 
> _We'll be fireproof_

 

“I love you,” Kei says, and Tadashi feels as if he could burst from joy. “I love you Tadashi,” Kei says again, “And I’ve loved you for ages.”

“N-no,” Tadashi slips out.

Kei startles, moving back, “I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same way, I—”

“Shut up Kei,” Tadashi growls out, biting on Kei’s lower lip. When he pulls back, Kei’s looking at him with eyes that are filled with hope, and Tadashi doesn’t know how he’s been so blind all this time.

“I love you too, I love you Kei, I love you,” he repeats over and over again because it feels like absolution to say the words aloud, as if he’s finally been set free.

He places a hand on Kei’s cheek, “Let’s go home together Kei, I want— I want to tell you _everything._ ” 

 

* * *

  

> **Written In The Stars - Westlife**
> 
>  
> 
> _'Cause when I look at my life_
> 
> _How the pieces fall into place_
> 
> _It just wouldn't rhyme_
> 
> _Without you_
> 
> _When I see how my path_
> 
> _Seemed to end up before your face_
> 
> _The state of my heart_
> 
> _The place where we are_
> 
> _Was written in the stars_

 

They spill their secrets to one another, lying side by side on Kei’s bed, late into the night.

Kei would breathe out, only for Tadashi to breathe in, and he could feel the rise and fall of the other boy’s chest with his own. His hands trail down Tadashi’s back, savoring the feel of the strong muscles under his palm. He longed to map the constellations of moles on Tadashi’s back with his tongue, but Kei holds himself back for now, choosing instead to kiss each mark on the other boy’s face. Slowly, carefully, savoring every moment.

“Follow me to Tokyo,” Kei says, and he’s afraid that Tadashi’s going to say no. Despite them talking through the night about this new aspect of their relationship, they have yet to broach the topic on their future, and Kei’s still frightened by it. 

Tadashi just smiles even more widely at him, eyes so bright, and Kei’s lost in them. “I already planned to,” he says softly, pressing a chaste kiss on Kei’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come scream with me about Haikyuu related matters on Tumblr! I'm [@singasongofstars](singasongofstars.tumblr.com) and my writing blog is [@nicolet-writes](nicolet-writes.tumblr.com)!


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